Heaven.

It's been deeply woven into my heart. This yearning for the return of Jesus. The moment in which Christ says -enough.

We will enjoy the works of our hands on a new earth. Living human lives but with wholly new bodies, untouched by death and sin. I can't even wrap my head around how that unfathomably changes everything.

And unequivocally, seeing Jesus face to face.

Something that radically extinguishes all knowledge we think we have.

Until that time, we are in this time of Christ's delay in returning for us. This time of delay is curious to me. God desires ALL to be saved. While that rings true, the door will be shut at some point. This period of delay I see as Gods desire for all to be in relationship with Him, but on the other end, it has risky implications that follow. Disciples loosing their intensity and heart.

My prayer is that we don't lose fervency, in becoming complacent and apathetic in the midst of this now, and not yet. We easily lose a proper urgency in life when we expect the sun to rise every morning and the moon to follow. Scripture outlines a curious surprised state when Christ returns, so let us not think for a moment that tomorrow is guaranteed.

May we never get to such a place that we tolerate the ish in our hearts and lives. May we never put it off until tomorrow. Rather, may we live every moment in such a way that we are welcoming the return of Jesus.

Scream, Cry and Punch.

I've been in a few conversations lately that were surrounded by peoples opinions on church sermons, the worship, the ambience of the sanctuary, the kind of people services throughout the weekend attract, and what pastor preferred over the other. " When I go to that service with that pastor teaching, I sit in the back and can hardly keep my eyes open. It's a bore. " That same person would tell you that they are a follower of Christ. Maybe they are. Or maybe they just mentally agree with what christian theology suggests, and because they do they think they are a follower of Christ. Hmm.

I wanted to scream, cry and punch something all at the same time. I also want a greater capacity to love in the midst of what grieves my heart.

My brothers and my sisters, can we please acknowledge that there are people who walk miles and miles to take part in this privilege to praise our Jesus on a Sunday morning? Please see all the people that are overwhelmed with tears when a Bible is translated into their language. Let us realize that there are people being mutilated, oppressed and tortured for their loyalty to this very same Jesus. Don't you get it? These are followers of Christ.

It's not about what we like or don't like.

It's not about what we prefer.

We aren't doing this for us.

It's not about us.

It's not about us.

It's not about us.

They Will be My People.

I can't help but notice how I still live in some moments with an old mentality with the old habits. Swishing around in my mind is this exchange of the new and the old. In this season I'm slowly allowing God to replace old thoughts and opinions with new mindsets and perspectives.

I've been intrigued by a few things reading a book called The Naked Gospel. This is what I'm learning... The laws in the OT. - the old covenant and the new covenant found in Jesus. While the old covenant remains good, we are under a new covenant in Jesus that is profoundly different. I'm more clearly understanding the significance of the change. This new covenant is one that we cannot fail under, but rather find rest in His grace.

Hebrews 8:10

This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel,

after that time declares the Lord,

I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts.

I will be their God, and they will be my people.

This verse has never been so beautiful to me. I'm not called to abide by regulations first written on stone tablets. I will fail if I ever try that. I'd remain forever unsuccessful. I'm no longer called to look to the laws as a counsel for direction in my life. Rather as I invite the Holy Spirit into all aspects, His will, His desire, His operation, will be woven into my heart and mind while NOTHING can take me away from being His child.

That's a covenant of love. grace. faithfulness.

Romans 6:14

"For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."

Mark 12:30

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

Futhermore, I'm inspired by what the Bible teaches about the law and it's comparative perspective to the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 3:2-3

I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh?

I'm captivated in the truth these verses proclaim. What an unfathomable God, to send Jesus to fulfill the law, so that we don't have to. Because, we've tried and we can't. What a God that pursues and loves, loves, loves, His creation. Whoa.

I read awhile ago, along the lines that, the law exposes our depravity, and thus our need for a Saviour. It makes us aware of our sin. Yet we do not remain in it, once we accept Christ, we can be set free from the chains the law places on us. It doesn't show grace, nor encouragement, nor healthy revival. It simply leads us to Christ.

Galatians 3:23

"Before the coming of this faith, we were held in custody under the law, locked up until the faith that was to come would be revealed. So the law was our guardian until Christ came that we might be justified by faith."

I desire to live under the reality of the new covenant, finding freedom in His Grace.

" The law is perfect, but it makes no one perfect. " - Andrew Murray

Then < Now < Later

This was something I wrote just a few weeks ago.

Jesus, I'm wholly grateful for Your response, Your wisdom given, and Your love for who I am. You have indeed been hearing my cries. I'm being pruned and the growth thereafter, is beautiful, new, steadfast and entirely You- embracing me, and showing me who I am.

Fast forward to the last few days. My fluctuating emotions don't agree with that anymore. To be brutally honest, the last few days have enabled me to further see how I really have no idea what qualifies or makes me up. I asked myself some simple questions today that I sadly couldn't answer.

I've never felt so much of a shell as I do now.

My entire life I have been Caydin.

Confident, bold, witty, balanced, fearless, smart, talented, beautiful.

Until, His good work began purging me of all the structures that mistakenly compelled my name.

So, uncomfortable.

Being purged of these has looked many different ways.

They all seemed to be linked too. Eventually leading to this big ball of pride.

Pride in who I created myself to be before my on lookers.

In my past, I was the bold one who always had the laughtastic one liners. I was the pretty one who wrapped guys around her finger. I was the one who was always picked to sing the solos at church and school. I was the confident and fearless person who had no problem approaching any and all circumstances no matter the people or situations involved. Everyone anticipated me and I was aware of it. I feel gross typing that. But overall, I saw how all of these fed greatly into each other, and ultimately kept my heart from seeing the realities of my brokenness.

All these self built structures in my identity have collapsed. I don't just mean internally, but in so many tangible ways as well. As I allow God to continue His gracious work in me, I'm in a place where I cling to nothing.

For some reason, I'm still in this season where I'm not clinging to my old identity yet I don't have the capacity for a whole transformation to embrace my true identity in Christ. So in this oddness, I'm finding myself extremely anxious around people, lacking confidence in simple conversation. My voice shakes and I can't be myself. I've been very quiet, not quite knowing if I fit in at all with the people around me in some occasions. I nearly have panic attacks before any one on one time with people. Even close friends.

While all of this is really heartbreaking, I'm wondering if this is simply what it feels like to loose all sense of identity and just be part of the process of being purged of myself. Anything that I could even potentially find confidence in is unattainable right now. I continue seeking the realities of Christ in all of this, and He does continue a response that is inevitably rescuing my heart.

I'm reminded of the gift God is offering me in this, as I remain in the frustration and awareness. I'm not afraid to remain poor in spirit as a response to this season ushered in. All these characteristics that I feel I have lost are simply being renovated so that they can be in tune with building His kingdom, and not my own kingdom, as they were used for in my past. I will solely be compelled by a true confidence that says I am a child of the King. The only King. And it's worth it to allow Him to rid me, of me, while I'm still young. Even though it's rather difficult right now, as people are embarking on great mission trips, starting careers, engaging relationships etc... I have monster ambitions, and after this they will be that much more ground into the depth and uniqueness of His glory.

I'm down with that.