Thursday, July 14, 2011

Then < Now < Later

This was something I wrote just a few weeks ago.

Jesus, I'm wholly grateful for Your response, Your wisdom given, and Your love for who I am. You have indeed been hearing my cries. I'm being pruned and the growth thereafter, is beautiful, new, steadfast and entirely You- embracing me, and showing me who I am.

Fast forward to the last few days. My fluctuating emotions don't agree with that anymore. To be brutally honest, the last few days have enabled me to further see how I really have no idea what qualifies or makes me up. I asked myself some simple questions today that I sadly couldn't answer.

I've never felt so much of a shell as I do now.
My entire life I have been Caydin.
Confident, bold, witty, balanced, fearless, smart, talented, beautiful.
Until, His good work began purging me of all the structures that mistakenly compelled my name.

So, uncomfortable.

Being purged of these has looked many different ways.
They all seemed to be linked too. Eventually leading to this big ball of pride.
Pride in who I created myself to be before my on lookers.

In my past, I was the bold one who always had the laughtastic one liners. I was the pretty one who wrapped guys around her finger. I was the one who was always picked to sing the solos at church and school. I was the confident and fearless person who had no problem approaching any and all circumstances no matter the people or situations involved. Everyone anticipated me and I was aware of it. I feel gross typing that. But overall, I saw how all of these fed greatly into each other, and ultimately kept my heart from seeing the realities of my brokenness.

All these self built structures in my identity have collapsed. I don't just mean internally, but in so many tangible ways as well. As I allow God to continue His gracious work in me, I'm in a place where I cling to nothing.

For some reason, I'm still in this season where I'm not clinging to my old identity yet I don't have the capacity for a whole transformation to embrace my true identity in Christ. So in this oddness, I'm finding myself extremely anxious around people, lacking confidence in simple conversation. My voice shakes and I can't be myself. I've been very quiet, not quite knowing if I fit in at all with the people around me in some occasions. I nearly have panic attacks before any one on one time with people. Even close friends.

While all of this is really heartbreaking, I'm wondering if this is simply what it feels like to loose all sense of identity and just be part of the process of being purged of myself. Anything that I could even potentially find confidence in is unattainable right now. I continue seeking the realities of Christ in all of this, and He does continue a response that is inevitably rescuing my heart.

I'm reminded of the gift God is offering me in this, as I remain in the frustration and awareness. I'm not afraid to remain poor in spirit as a response to this season ushered in. All these characteristics that I feel I have lost are simply being renovated so that they can be in tune with building His kingdom, and not my own kingdom, as they were used for in my past. I will solely be compelled by a true confidence that says I am a child of the King. The only King. And it's worth it to allow Him to rid me, of me, while I'm still young. Even though it's rather difficult right now, as people are embarking on great mission trips, starting careers, engaging relationships etc... I have monster ambitions, and after this they will be that much more ground into the depth and uniqueness of His glory.
I'm down with that.