No words can define God's company with me as I experienced it this evening.
It all started earlier this week, when all of a sudden the content of my heart was no longer restless. My prayers hadn't changed, nor had any substantial circumstance occurred... It's not like I had all of a sudden done something right either. In a single moment, I realized I didn't feel how I had previous. So strange. I've just been Remaining. Sitting. Enduring. Waiting. In this wilderness that was ushered into my life over a year ago.
This wilderness gave me the opportunity to deal with the realities of ... me. It sucked the life out of me. I was an empty shell. The very essence of who I thought myself to be was extinguished. Sitting in that emptiness brought me to a place of utter helplessness. Deep sorrow. Deep questioning. Deep purging. And ultimately deeper growth and deeper holistic understanding of life.
I went to a coffee shop around 5pm tonight. Ordered my favorite Chai Latte and sat down. Brought my Bible, journal and a book I'm reading. It was open mic night. Loud. But I easily can separate myself from my surroundings. It's a great thing. I started reading a few chapters in the book of Mark. As I started reading, I could not hold back tears. As I continued reading, I felt like God was actually reading passages to me. My emotions coincided with whatever Jesus was feeling during the scriptures. The story so simply unfolded before me. I felt like a child being told a story while sitting at the feet of her Father.
My heart leaped out of my chest as Jesus put His fingers in a deaf mans ear and shouted to the heavens, "Be opened! ". My heart was hurting when I saw the detriment of the demon possessed boy. " Whenever it seizes him it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth and gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him." My eyes were as a fountain, when the demon possessed boys father exclaimed to Jesus, " I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief! " And my heart was in worship when the evil spirit in the possessed boy shrieked, convulsed the boy violently then left at the command of Jesus. My entire body was overwhelmed as Jesus took the boy by the hand and lifted him up to his feet.
That's my King. That's my Saviour. That's my Daddy. That's my Healer. That's my Reason.
Jesus, the capacity of my mind cannot fathom you.
Lastly, as Jesus continued to reveal Himself to me, I knew He was proud of me. For this season's ish. For my continuous cycle of awareness and purging. He gave me a glimpse of how my decisions and actions are indeed shaping who I am. He is proud of me.