This last year of life has been a long drawn out season of this consistent cycle of stepping into awarenesses and allowing God to heal my heart. Through this I have come to actually know my Father on an intimate level. I see how God knew all along the things my heart was craving and aching for. He allowed me to manipulate my wounds and my circumstances to the point where I was left raw and destitute of heart. I was also left with a decision to make at the end of every day and while in the moment it seemed worthless, I had a heart that decided to remain obedient and faithful to the God that I had encountered prior to the turmoil I had created and fed into.
Through the twists and turns of this last year I am grateful for a God who remained patient with me. As I often asked in prayer, He desired to bring revelation to my mind and heart, but even more often, my fallow ground was not prepared for His revelations to ring true in all their worth. He still continued to cultivate my heart until it was healthy enough for seeds to spring life from. Looking back, this specific 'migration' from fallow to life took a lot of work, pain and time.
Remaining steadfast in obedience as the gunk is loosened and separated from my heart has created a new person in me. I have suffered much in believing Satan's lies in regards to my identity and worth. He called me things that led me far from my God given name.
" You are not enough."
" You mess everything up."
" Your personality is repulsive. "
" You always ruin it all. "
This is what my heart actually believed. Through numerous encounters with God, and a loyal heart to Jesus these lies slowly started to not make sense. In God's relentless pursuit of me He distinctly began shining His radiance onto my heart piece by piece and moment by moment. I no longer would just verbalize the truth in hopes of someday actually believing it about myself, rather I claimed my identity under His authority as I began to see the disparity between what Jesus says of me and what I thought myself to be.
Here and now in this place, I know God has purged me of a substantial amount of ish this last year and He has answered my prayers seeking for wisdom and revelation. I'm honored that God felt it of worth to bestow upon my life things beyond what I asked. This entire identity crisis is curious to me because it's not like I was transformed into an entirely different Caydin, rather God began healing the Caydin that was, and revealing value and worth to the Caydin who is.
Not once was I a child of God who wasn't enough. I never once ruined any plans that God had for me and I never was a character that was faulty. It was neither adjusted nor created in this season - It was just forgotten in the midst of my sin and it's aftermath. I've always had a name and identity in Christ.
:: May He continue to be a radiant light that leads us on a journey towards revelation
:: May He call our names until we are found