Venting.

There are many things I do not understand.
And that is okay.

BUT...is it okay that I fail to understand ME at times ?

I wonder why I act a certain way. I wonder why I say the things I say. I wonder why I react the way I did. I wonder, because the way that I act, at times, seems to have a negative outcome. If all was dandy, I'd be OK with my social decisions.

I have already gone through periods in my life in which I question whether or not God was in the " right " by giving me some outlandish qualities... I am not referring to this. I am bringing up the fact that I am upset that I cannot pinpoint the source of some of my reactions, comments, thoughts etc... What are they surfacing from ? I need to know so I can stop.

I have no boy skills. This is not a flaw. It is a work in progress. I do have boy skills when it comes to certain men. I find myself strongly, strongly pursued when I am dominantly stronger mentally, knowledge wise, and spiritually then the man pursuing me. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to those men. I have a certain woo about things when I am in that dominant position. I can't really pinpoint it, but I am drastically socially different around those guys. Now, on the other end, we have those men whom I talk with and I end up being the one who admires their mentality, knowledge, and walk with the Lord. I have a lot to learn from them. I adore what comes out of their mouths and the actions they practice go hand in hand. SEXY.

Here is the dilemma. As soon as I don't feel "dominant" with someone... I get...weird. I only get weird, if I am interested in them more then a friend. I have plenty of male friends whom I look up to as wise and strong men in the Lord, but that is as far as it goes.

So I have all these weird, crazy thoughts and reactions when I am in those situations and I don't understand where they come from. I don't know why I do them. I don't know why they have surfaced the way they have. It's driving me crazy. I meet a great man whom I admire, only to mess up greatly and watch things plummet- because of me.

Despite the crap above, I am happy. I like that I can give God my letdowns, hindrances and irritations... and know He already has a solution.

An Arm's Length Away

I like keeping my options open.

It's comforting to know that if something falls through I can have something to fall back on.

What does that actually say about my walk with God, though?

I have a hard time trusting Him.

" Hey God, I'm going to keep this " comfort food " at an arm’s length away until you come through with your promise...THEN I will let go entirely. - How enslaved are we really when we say stuff like that ?

God has been showing me that He doesn't work that way...and gosh darn it I wish He did. God is creator of the entire universe...He can make up the rules. It makes sense.

It's so difficult to let go of something that is already a guarantee in your life and reach for something that is not tangibly in front of you yet. . . especially when the thing you have already attained is satisfying enough . . . Caydin, what are you trying to say ? God shows us what a life lived for Him looks like. . . and to settle for a life that puts God in the mediocre category is not an option. Jesus is not interested in a lukewarm follower.

Caydin, I still don’t understand… is it weird that I am referring to myself like this ? YES. I will stop.

Marriage is something dear and treasured to God. I refuse to settle for a husband who does not share these views. ( easier said than done ) All this confusion and vague verbiage should make sense now. I am talking about the conviction I had about potentially getting married an amazing man – who did not share a passion for God with me. When I realized that God asks His followers to let go of everything . . . I was brokenhearted knowing that everything means relationships as well… seemingly great relationships… I cannot allow you to take this out of context though… I love love love my friends who don’t believe in the same things I do… In fact, I can’t get enough of them ! It is a different story though when you are potentially going to marry one of them…

It took many battles within my mind and several times running back to what I know to be comfortable, reliable and tangible before I saw how detrimental I was being to myself emotionally. I have tried to let go too many times to count… and this has led me to see that I am not just dealing with something that is deeper than giving up a guy I am emotionally attached to. I let go, wait for God to act..and when He doesn’t act quick enough I run back to what I find hope in…the relationship.

So, as of right now I have let go of the relationship. For good. It could really not be any more painful but a promise was made that says no tough circumstance can even compare to the glory God will reveal in my life. I am running full forward with that.