A glimpse ::
I feel like God has allowed me to enter certain places of pain, confusion, disobedience, discontentment, deception, hypocrisy, and utter ignorance, so I don't have a midlife crisis down the line. Seriously. God's bringing things to my attention so they can be taken care of.
Over the last half decade, I have tactfully developed little "ad ons" to my personality. Little things that seemingly make everyone happy and add a little spark to who I come across to be. It's so appealing for me to tack on these little surface traits because they get such a great response.
It's entirely kicked me in the butt.
When I find myself getting close with someone, I can't uphold the structure of this image I've created. In fact, I ignored the substance of my God given character for so long, that it's been difficult for me to get in tune with it again. Now, it's not that my entire character was fabricated and put together in my brain - no.
No - Rather this framework I've created for myself to emulate, distorts and hazes the real deal core of who I am.
When I am in a close relationship with someone, while I am genuine in my words and actions, I find it difficult to "act myself" in simple situations after a certain point because there is a constant tug of war game going on between the distinct temperament I've created for myself and the genuine traits from the Lord that are itchin to come out.
When I recognize this happening I either shut down entirely and get out of the situation or I do my best to fight the discrepancy, which has always left me looking like an eccentric overbearing person- as I over compensate for lack of clarity I actually have in who I am.
Sad, I know.
Good News ::
God is redeemer. God is restoration. God is healer. God is rebuilder. God is pursuer.