Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Let This Serve as a Disclaimer.

I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm learning.

Everyone that becomes a Christian surely has that beginning stage of just being joyous, happy and peachy in all things. You hand your life over to Jesus, you are a new creation and your past is washed away ... it is indeed something worth the joy expressed. . .

but after some time everyone surely gets to a point where things aren't quite working out as planned. It's inevitable. You feel discontent in some ways, you feel in limbo- as if you aren't where you used to be but you're not quite somewhere else either... there is for sure something aching in your heart for a change...

I've seen people respond to this in different ways...

I've seen those who simply go back to the simplicity of when they first became Christians - "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so... " A head knowledge of God.

I don't think God wants us doing that, actually.
I think when we get to that point in which we feel discontent, we are not called to revert back to the surface wisdom of God ... the Sunday school God ...

I think we are called to pry deep into ourselves, no matter the pain and confusion, and allow God to be more than a head knowledge within our lives. This is simply the only way to a much deeper, connective and abundant relationship with God.

God wants ALL OF US. He wants us in our entirety. He wants it all, so He can redeem it all.

We all have deeper issues within ourselves that God doesn't want you to stuff in a box to set aside and ignore. He wants to pull out the freakin mess that's inside and rid you of it. - a process also known as surrender. Man, that word freaks me out sometimes.

It's soooooo easy, more peaceful and less painful and less burdensome to say you are just fine. I've been there and done that for a looooong time. I continued in my church commitments, my worship, my tithe, my joy, and my love ... it was dandy. Until God turned up the heat - and started boiling the blood flowing through my body.

After recognizing that God was stirring things up because He had plans to annihilate and revamp me, I didn't just automatically hop on board. I went back and forth. If my complete and utter surrender was just smooth sailing from the get go, I wouldn't have even had an issue for God to mend in the first place. Clearly, there is always something He desires to restore. Always. In that, I have been seeing how much of a PROCESS this transition is.

When I do hop on board with God's perfect will in redeeming my heart, my soul and my life, I am absolutely beat down to nothing. I'm asked to release situations in my life that aren't comfortable to release- because I'm still waiting for an outcome that will satisfy me- and as long as I have my fingers dug into it, I have some control.

I am slowly realizing that when I do this, I am standing in a pile of shit. My shit.
I'm finally fed up with the shit.

I'm proud of myself for getting through the past 8 months of my life ::

I doubted. I tried to still fix things my way. I asked God to come on board with my plans. I embarrassed myself. I acted a fool in front of people I love. I threw fists in the air. I cried and I cried. I drank. I pursued unhealthy relationships. I put on a mask. I indulged in temporary fixes. I lied. I twisted His truth. I was selfish. I fought for control. I kicked and screamed. I denied hope. I couldn't lift my voice to worship. I fucked it up, again. I chased people away from God. I beat myself up. I lost all substance. I lost everything I worked so hard to preserve, build up and maintain. I fucked it up, again.

I meant it when I said I was proud of myself . . . because here I am, typing this all out, not quite on the other side just yet, but remaining steadfast in my brokenness. I will not go back to a juvenile relationship with my God and my Father - because I will not only become closer to being the "Caydin" God created me to be but I will have an irrefutable, distinguished and intimate relationship with Jesus. Freakin worth it.

God is indeed continuing the work He initiated. I am thankful for it all.

I am learning. I am learning. I am learning.

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