Tuesday, October 12, 2010


"Every sense I have has been exhausted." - Barcelona
Which ultimately has left me numb.

Becoming apathetic towards things has actually enabled me to be in tune with some issues going on with me. My lack of emotion has allowed me to look at some things analytically and logically - which I otherwise have a difficult time doing.

At age 24, I'm still trying to figure out what makes up Caydin... I've come to the realization that I so often act as people have labeled me. It's hard to act any different than the labels people associate with you ::

"animated, loud, vivacious, spirited, intense and extreme. "

It's gotten to the point where if I'm not acting accordingly to what's written above, people think something is wrong with me or I am simply acting odd. They don't hold back from verbalizing it to me, either.

PEOPLE, this has only encouraged me to put on a mask. And while this mask is on you will never see the real deal.

I've been reflecting. While at the core, I am occasionally intense about things worthy of my intensity, and I am animated and spirited during appropriate moments, solely, I am altogether none of the above.

I have found it difficult to remove this mask because it is so appealing to the people around me. For the most part, people like the intensity I bring and the spirited approach I have in all circumstances. They enjoy this seemingly "deep" girl who likes to talk about intense things.

It wears me out, as I feel like I am constantly having to give people what they want and expect from me. ( which is another issue in itself )

I'm sorry - I'm getting sick of faking it.
I only do these things because they have be proven to make you happy.
I have more substance than what my mask portrays. I'm not as verbal as I have led you to think. I'd rather be mellow than bouncing off the walls. I'd much rather listen to you than hear my voice all night long.

Our conversation isn't deep to me because I have already had this conversation with John and Jane Doe. I find true deepness in the discerning conversations I have with few rather than the butt load of "deep" chats I can have with simply anyone. This only makes sense to those who know me.

I'm wondering how God will make sense of all of this- as He knows exactly how my mind operates and who I am behind the facade.

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