I took some time to genuinely evaluate "Caydin". In all seriousness. Pride aside. Entitlement diminished. Surface gone.
Like many people who would follow Jesus to the top of Calvary to be crucified, I lack confidence in nearly everything I pursue when it comes to building His kingdom. It's twisted, I know. I'm not talking about a surface confidence that a woman can have from being seen as beautiful or having an amazing personality. I'm talking about a confidence that only comes from being in direct relation with Him.
Knowing that I do indeed cherish; whole heartedly the relationship my Father has given to me I wonder why I still feel cowardly and doubtful when going through the doors He opens for me. It's quite embarrassing, actually. Last night, I found myself asking what I was missing and why the unsurpassed confidence I should have in Him just wasn't clicking, mentally and emotionally.
I brought situations before the Lord begging Him to show me why I just couldn't act accordingly to the truth He had sparked in me. I often feel inadequate and undermanned while I " ...go and make disciples of all nations..." ( Matthew 28:19 )
I was reminded of the countless times I had lost sleep over hurtful words, being spat on, being lied to, being backstabbed, laughed at, being denied, not making the cut, and thinking that I was not worth anyones investment. Those times sucked all the assurance, certainty and stability out from my life.
God also brought to my mind the church I go to. All in all, God is evident and abundant at RockHarbor and I am so grateful to be a part of such a beautiful body of Christ. I look at my church though, which is in the middle of Orange County; ( which actually means that it's in the middle of a selfish, perfectionistic, independent, monetary valued, prideful, ego-tistical and greedy community of people...but that's another story for another time ) and I've seen first hand that we have by far the most talented, accomplished and capable people working for the church. God is good. Surely. YET, I find myself wondering if I'm even qualified to even attempt to get involved in certain ministries because I see this manifest of raw God given abilities that are so seemingly beyond my own. In that moment, I lose all confidence in building His kingdom.
So the remedy :: After God went through all these things along side me I was left thinking about all those things I already know in the core of my heart. My mind was in chaos wondering how I could put these amazing truths into action. And for once, I didn't come up with anything.
Here is what fell upon the ears of my Father though;
Lord, teach me how to obtain confidence in all I do. Not a surface confidence found in my appearance or personality but that unwavering confidence knowing that You are the Giver of life... the author of my life, and nothing I do is ever wasted. Show me, once again, who "Caydin" is because I'm second guessing myself at times. I find myself being cowardly and placing an inadequate sign over my head. I'm the only one who puts it there. I need clarity in who you have created in me. I want to see why I respond and act the way I do.
Straight up, I need healing in my life. Healing that only He can bring.