Friday, May 22, 2009


There are many things I do not understand.
And that is okay. it okay that I fail to understand ME at times ?

I wonder why I act a certain way. I wonder why I say the things I say. I wonder why I react the way I did. I wonder, because the way that I act, at times, seems to have a negative outcome. If all was dandy, I'd be OK with my social decisions.

I have already gone through periods in my life in which I question whether or not God was in the " right " by giving me some outlandish qualities... I am not referring to this. I am bringing up the fact that I am upset that I cannot pinpoint the source of some of my reactions, comments, thoughts etc... What are they surfacing from ? I need to know so I can stop.

I have no boy skills. This is not a flaw. It is a work in progress. I do have boy skills when it comes to certain men. I find myself strongly, strongly pursued when I am dominantly stronger mentally, knowledge wise, and spiritually then the man pursuing me. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to those men. I have a certain woo about things when I am in that dominant position. I can't really pinpoint it, but I am drastically socially different around those guys. Now, on the other end, we have those men whom I talk with and I end up being the one who admires their mentality, knowledge, and walk with the Lord. I have a lot to learn from them. I adore what comes out of their mouths and the actions they practice go hand in hand. SEXY.

Here is the dilemma. As soon as I don't feel "dominant" with someone... I get...weird. I only get weird, if I am interested in them more then a friend. I have plenty of male friends whom I look up to as wise and strong men in the Lord, but that is as far as it goes.

So I have all these weird, crazy thoughts and reactions when I am in those situations and I don't understand where they come from. I don't know why I do them. I don't know why they have surfaced the way they have. It's driving me crazy. I meet a great man whom I admire, only to mess up greatly and watch things plummet- because of me.

Despite the crap above, I am happy. I like that I can give God my letdowns, hindrances and irritations... and know He already has a solution.

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