Friday, May 1, 2009

An Arm's Length Away

I like keeping my options open.

It's comforting to know that if something falls through I can have something to fall back on.

What does that actually say about my walk with God, though?

I have a hard time trusting Him.

" Hey God, I'm going to keep this " comfort food " at an arm’s length away until you come through with your promise...THEN I will let go entirely. - How enslaved are we really when we say stuff like that ?

God has been showing me that He doesn't work that way...and gosh darn it I wish He did. God is creator of the entire universe...He can make up the rules. It makes sense.

It's so difficult to let go of something that is already a guarantee in your life and reach for something that is not tangibly in front of you yet. . . especially when the thing you have already attained is satisfying enough . . . Caydin, what are you trying to say ? God shows us what a life lived for Him looks like. . . and to settle for a life that puts God in the mediocre category is not an option. Jesus is not interested in a lukewarm follower.

Caydin, I still don’t understand… is it weird that I am referring to myself like this ? YES. I will stop.

Marriage is something dear and treasured to God. I refuse to settle for a husband who does not share these views. ( easier said than done ) All this confusion and vague verbiage should make sense now. I am talking about the conviction I had about potentially getting married an amazing man – who did not share a passion for God with me. When I realized that God asks His followers to let go of everything . . . I was brokenhearted knowing that everything means relationships as well… seemingly great relationships… I cannot allow you to take this out of context though… I love love love my friends who don’t believe in the same things I do… In fact, I can’t get enough of them ! It is a different story though when you are potentially going to marry one of them…

It took many battles within my mind and several times running back to what I know to be comfortable, reliable and tangible before I saw how detrimental I was being to myself emotionally. I have tried to let go too many times to count… and this has led me to see that I am not just dealing with something that is deeper than giving up a guy I am emotionally attached to. I let go, wait for God to act..and when He doesn’t act quick enough I run back to what I find hope in…the relationship.

So, as of right now I have let go of the relationship. For good. It could really not be any more painful but a promise was made that says no tough circumstance can even compare to the glory God will reveal in my life. I am running full forward with that.

No comments:

Post a Comment