Forgotten Name.

This last year of life has been a long drawn out season of this consistent cycle of stepping into awarenesses and allowing God to heal my heart. Through this I have come to actually know my Father on an intimate level. I see how God knew all along the things my heart was craving and aching for. He allowed me to manipulate my wounds and my circumstances to the point where I was left raw and destitute of heart. I was also left with a decision to make at the end of every day and while in the moment it seemed worthless, I had a heart that decided to remain obedient and faithful to the God that I had encountered prior to the turmoil I had created and fed into.

Through the twists and turns of this last year I am grateful for a God who remained patient with me. As I often asked in prayer, He desired to bring revelation to my mind and heart, but even more often, my fallow ground was not prepared for His revelations to ring true in all their worth. He still continued to cultivate my heart until it was healthy enough for seeds to spring life from. Looking back, this specific 'migration' from fallow to life took a lot of work, pain and time.

Remaining steadfast in obedience as the gunk is loosened and separated from my heart has created a new person in me. I have suffered much in believing Satan's lies in regards to my identity and worth. He called me things that led me far from my God given name.

" You are not enough."

" You mess everything up."

" Your personality is repulsive. "

" You always ruin it all. "

This is what my heart actually believed. Through numerous encounters with God, and a loyal heart to Jesus these lies slowly started to not make sense. In God's relentless pursuit of me He distinctly began shining His radiance onto my heart piece by piece and moment by moment. I no longer would just verbalize the truth in hopes of someday actually believing it about myself, rather I claimed my identity under His authority as I began to see the disparity between what Jesus says of me and what I thought myself to be.

Here and now in this place, I know God has purged me of a substantial amount of ish this last year and He has answered my prayers seeking for wisdom and revelation. I'm honored that God felt it of worth to bestow upon my life things beyond what I asked. This entire identity crisis is curious to me because it's not like I was transformed into an entirely different Caydin, rather God began healing the Caydin that was, and revealing value and worth to the Caydin who is.

Not once was I a child of God who wasn't enough. I never once ruined any plans that God had for me and I never was a character that was faulty. It was neither adjusted nor created in this season - It was just forgotten in the midst of my sin and it's aftermath. I've always had a name and identity in Christ.

:: May He continue to be a radiant light that leads us on a journey towards revelation

:: May He call our names until we are found

Hallelujah to the King.

My heart is surely fixed on a God who has responded to my cries in the midst of my hopelessness, discontentment and grief. I have successfully endured, and been obedient through a season of calamity. I am drowning in tears as I am finally seeing the fruits of a heart that has been purged, tilled and turned. This process has entirely changed the rhythm of my heart, the depth of my mind and the vitality of my lifestyle. Hallelujah to the King.

Reparation is the very least He has given me. Beyond, He has given me His eyes to further carry out His glory to the end of my days, as I have a truer perspective in all the things that have yet to come and the things that remain behind me. Hallelujah to the King.

Situational imprints of His hands have guided me into recognizing and believing in who He says I am. Running with that perspective of truth I am wholly capable of being fearless, wonderfully wise, humbly confident and... simply enough in all I do.

When I am given a glimpse of His kingdom here on earth; the sin, the shame, the pain, the injustice, and the lies that have been part of my life do not hold a place of comparison. The forever blooming existence of a Father who will make all things right enables me to truly desire His will be done, in all things.

Hallelujah to the King.

Psalm 84:11

My Lord God is a sun and shield.

:: He painfully reveals, yet He is a trustworthy protector

He bestows honor and favor.

:: Remaining in truth, despite it's pain, leads to freedom. The fact that we can find freedom in Him is favor on our lives

He withholds no good thing from those whose walk is blameless.

:: God fine tunes our very essence so that we may have the wise and true perspective to see the irrefutable goodness He gives

Gifts.

Relationships are a great gift.

Lately I've been feeling as if I'm greatly missing out because God hasn't placed them in my life. Specifically, the romantic ones. I've even gone to the extent of looking at other women in my life, wondering what the heck they've done so right that God has given them the gift of a beautiful union with another person. The evilness in my heart is exposed. I've only dated 2 people my entire life and I have never been in a relationship that I pursued with unhealthy motives or in perceived brokenness. So, in my head I was left wondering why God withholds things from me while blessing others.

God has been provoking a new way for me to look at all this. It is a gift to be pursued by God and this thought ignited a new focus and reality for me.

In this season, God is giving me a gift beyond any gift I've ever dreamed of. He wants to bless me with a heart that is content and at peace in all circumstances. He is giving me the gift of spiritual growth, truly being refined in this emotional circumstance. He is itchin to give me the gift of a heart and mind solely fixed on the freedom He brings. Gifts don't come any more real, essential and undeserved. And foremost, He is giving me the gift of a deepened relationship with Him. I'm so captivated by a God whose work is beyond what we first see or initially fathom.

Lastly, God has made it clear that while He offers these gifts to all of His kids, not many actually accept. I could easily find a shallow happiness in a relationship I decide to stir up. I want the gift that penetrates and shatters the core of humanities brokenness and disconnect.

I am greatly favored, as God is allowing this pain to form the beautiful gift of wholeness, unity, and wisdom in my heart.

Purify.

I went through a really deep heart break last spring. So much of my brokenness was exposed in my response to it. I was depressed, unmotivated, felt worthless, and really just fed off of lies that I allowed to fester. As I've said in numerous of my posts, I knew that these were simply symptoms to core issues and really had little to do with the fact that I was no longer in a relationship. Among the many things God is surely transforming in me, I want to share just a few things that I know He is specifically showing me lately.

He is showing me that this experience is catalyzing something profound in me. Something that has great momentum. Something that I have actually been begging Him for in the last 5 years of my life. I see how this shitty circumstance uprooted and brought into plain view the reality of what my heart looked like. That I am broken - a product of imperfect parenting, rejection, facades, and foolishness - who is in need of Truth, purpose, forgiveness, restoration and a union with a Father who desires every single aspect of who I am.

By seemingly having everything during a season and quickly seeing it all dissolve before your eyes undeniably puts you in an essential turning place. Either you can continue to run after everything you feel you have lost or you can run the opposite way, by saying "yes" to a journey of purging your idols and allowing the Holy Spirit to reconstruct and redeem all aspects of your life. I had such a difficult time running the opposite way, not because I didn't want transformation but because, specific to my situation, I still desired a relationship with that boy. I realized that I wanted it only because it temporarily would "fix" my emotional state, but it was simply how I felt and my emotions were valid to God in the midst of this constant struggle. I could never pinpoint a legit reason as to why I wanted this relationship, either - brokenness set aside. I couldn't see the circumstance for what it actually was.

That was a daily tug of war until God pulled me out of the fire to look at His reflection.

I am worthy of a man who bears good fruit as He is connected to the Vine. I am worthy of a man who is rich in the things of God, and barren in the sight of human culture. I am worthy of a man who is in tune with the Holy Spirit and is seeking Him in all occasions. I am worthy of a man who respects my purity and sees me as God's beloved child, created to be holy as He is holy. I am worthy of a man who has sat in the nit and grit of his heart until Jesus began His good work. I am worthy of a man who understands that the core of love is sacrifice and we were given a flawless example to follow, in the Father sending His Son down. I am worthy of a man who in his humility, responds, and interacts, rather than in his prideful facade. Among many other things, I deserve a man who is not a coward for the Truth and His pursuit of it.

Step. It. Up. ( Men )

I had a great talk with my amazing house mate tonight.

We touched on subjects that we've discussed before but we dove a bit deeper.

Our entire conversation left me wondering why it is such a rarity to find a solid man of God in the church. A man whose walk is evident in the fruit his life produces. A greater portion of the men in our church who truly inspire us as women -are all married. What is up with that ?!?! I don't understand why our generation consists of an abundance of lukewarm men. Since when did most men lose sight of what God is indeed calling them to as disciples? It is an honor to be a man of God and that, is what we as God fearing women want - show us Jesus in your life because God indeed transforms your mind, habits, lifestyle and all the above.

This is beyond frustrating because I know so many guys who are kind, funny, handsome, talented, smart and down my alley ... yet they lack when it comes to a deepened, cultivated and matured relationship with the Lord- and ultimately, that is the deal breaker.

A few weeks ago one of our close girlfriends brought up that the group of us ladies are all legit woman who are truly disciples of Jesus - and we are all single. We are all beautiful women, who are talented up the ying yang and have fallen head over heels for this one called Jesus. One of us started a non profit organization called Remnant Uganda that is bringing freedom to once spiritually jailed and broken prostitutes in Africa. Another girlfriend places her art at benefit events whose profits in turn feed starving children through various foundations. While this same girl writes a curriculum for Children's ministry that is used throughout all of the country, another girl is committed to our church's children's ministry whole heartedly.

Our relationships with God have inevitably transformed us spiritually and in the tangible ways as well. The abundance of men in the church need to catch up - by stepping into the truth that exclaims God's desire to raise up men who purely long to know Him in the deepest and most genuine ways. God longs to cultivate His transformation and renewal in His people through the reading of His Word, the perpetual communication with Him through prayer, music, art, etc... and the utmost confidence one can find in the value God has placed on a man who emulates humility, honesty, love, awareness, dignity, and truth flowing from the wisdom that comes from God alone.

Psuedo.

"Every sense I have has been exhausted." - Barcelona

Which ultimately has left me numb.

Becoming apathetic towards things has actually enabled me to be in tune with some issues going on with me. My lack of emotion has allowed me to look at some things analytically and logically - which I otherwise have a difficult time doing.

At age 24, I'm still trying to figure out what makes up Caydin... I've come to the realization that I so often act as people have labeled me. It's hard to act any different than the labels people associate with you ::

"animated, loud, vivacious, spirited, intense and extreme. "

It's gotten to the point where if I'm not acting accordingly to what's written above, people think something is wrong with me or I am simply acting odd. They don't hold back from verbalizing it to me, either.

PEOPLE, this has only encouraged me to put on a mask. And while this mask is on you will never see the real deal.

I've been reflecting. While at the core, I am occasionally intense about things worthy of my intensity, and I am animated and spirited during appropriate moments, solely, I am altogether none of the above.

I have found it difficult to remove this mask because it is so appealing to the people around me. For the most part, people like the intensity I bring and the spirited approach I have in all circumstances. They enjoy this seemingly "deep" girl who likes to talk about intense things.

It wears me out, as I feel like I am constantly having to give people what they want and expect from me. ( which is another issue in itself )

I'm sorry - I'm getting sick of faking it.

I only do these things because they have be proven to make you happy.

I have more substance than what my mask portrays. I'm not as verbal as I have led you to think. I'd rather be mellow than bouncing off the walls. I'd much rather listen to you than hear my voice all night long.

Our conversation isn't deep to me because I have already had this conversation with John and Jane Doe. I find true deepness in the discerning conversations I have with few rather than the butt load of "deep" chats I can have with simply anyone. This only makes sense to those who know me.

I'm wondering how God will make sense of all of this- as He knows exactly how my mind operates and who I am behind the facade.

...Genuine or Just Another Counterfeit?

As I continue through this calloused and stretching season in my life, Im wondering what merit this season in my life will have once I have stepped out of it... aka - Why the heck am I even putting myself through all this?

When I am full of joy and adoration for Jesus, my life surely reflects just that. So, while I feel as if I have been emptied of all vigor and vitality - do I simply reflect a stale and inert person? I've got to that point where I am actually recognizing how apathetic I've become towards the things that once gave me a relentless spirited attitude...

It's a scary place to be when you are apathetic towards everything that matters. When I catch myself contending for things that are irrelevant and worthless - I cringe. I cringe, yet I do not change. That is freakin scary. What brought me into this season was simple :: My responses to circumstances have been to run away from the pain that brings healing and the seemingly overwhelming list of things that I need to surrender in my life. I do this by distracting myself with other "feel good" fixes. As long as I feel okay in the moment, I need not think about tomorrow.

While all of this is me being very transparent, I will also say that I surely have not lost the conviction that only the Holy Spirit brings and the undying truth that is deep within my heart. While my actions scream that Jesus cannot satisfy and my mindset sadly puts more value on my current emotions rather than what I know to be true and unwavering - Jesus is along side me in this. He is not condoning my actions, rather He is loving me all the more by allowing me to "act a fool". When I finally hit bottom and allow Him to, once again, bring restoration to my wounds, my love for Him will be proven genuine.

I'm granted the struggle, so that my faith can be validated as authentic.

Hello, Distraction. Let's Hang Out.

So, I've been allowing some pretty darn stupid things distract me lately.

Just to keep it real:: It's not like I didn't know what I was doing and I was unaware at how ridiculously silly they were. So, why did I still give in?

It gets my mind off of all the turmoil going on inside of me so I seemingly breathe a little easier. It gives me a brief time of disregard and ignorance to the things Caydin needs to let God fix.

This roller coaster I have been riding on has surely made me grow tired, weak and ... just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I understand that all of this is in some sort of way, mandatory. It is indeed bringing me to that place in which my character and life will be profoundly changed.

As I expand my knowledge and love for Jesus, I can't help but have a restless heart and a heart that is conflicted with the discrepancies between my lifestyle/mindset and the lifestyle/mindset Jesus desires for me. It's discouraging and light dimming, to be honest.

While I am convicted, and at times don't have the steadfastness to allow God to fix me, I find silly, little, insignificant reliefs. oh and yes, they are temporary.

Here is what I know though :: I've tasted and I have seen God pursue me. A love greater than life itself. He is worth it.

He Finally Gave me a Call.

I'm not sure how pristine this post is going to be; as I'm very tired, but I need to log a few things so that I may come back to them as mementos. I need to remember what I have been experiencing tonight.

Since last spring, I have been facing a situation that has my emotions endlessly wavering. One day, I feel His peace and His steadfastness, while the next I feel wrecked and the need to search out my own harmony for the situation. It's a harmony that doesn't exist apart from God.

I'm assured that God does not abandon His kids or any of the tragedies they get themselves into. He will not leave me defenseless; rather He will protect my name and sustain my cause. I have brought disgrace to my name, but He will recover it before all those who have foolishly scrutinized me.

His remedy is bigger than what I hope for and has so much more value than I could have ever thought. God does not waste any situation I hand over to Him.

Of all this, I am sure.

"Caydin"

Last nights service deeply impressed me. It instigated me to critically look at how situations in my life have wounded my heart, my mind, and my character.

I took some time to genuinely evaluate "Caydin". In all seriousness. Pride aside. Entitlement diminished. Surface gone.

Like many people who would follow Jesus to the top of Calvary to be crucified, I lack confidence in nearly everything I pursue when it comes to building His kingdom. It's twisted, I know. I'm not talking about a surface confidence that a woman can have from being seen as beautiful or having an amazing personality. I'm talking about a confidence that only comes from being in direct relation with Him.

Knowing that I do indeed cherish; whole heartedly the relationship my Father has given to me I wonder why I still feel cowardly and doubtful when going through the doors He opens for me. It's quite embarrassing, actually. Last night, I found myself asking what I was missing and why the unsurpassed confidence I should have in Him just wasn't clicking, mentally and emotionally.

I brought situations before the Lord begging Him to show me why I just couldn't act accordingly to the truth He had sparked in me. I often feel inadequate and undermanned while I " ...go and make disciples of all nations..." ( Matthew 28:19 )

I was reminded of the countless times I had lost sleep over hurtful words, being spat on, being lied to, being backstabbed, laughed at, being denied, not making the cut, and thinking that I was not worth anyones investment. Those times sucked all the assurance, certainty and stability out from my life.

God also brought to my mind the church I go to. All in all, God is evident and abundant at RockHarbor and I am so grateful to be a part of such a beautiful body of Christ. I look at my church though, which is in the middle of Orange County; ( which actually means that it's in the middle of a selfish, perfectionistic, independent, monetary valued, prideful, ego-tistical and greedy community of people...but that's another story for another time ) and I've seen first hand that we have by far the most talented, accomplished and capable people working for the church. God is good. Surely. YET, I find myself wondering if I'm even qualified to even attempt to get involved in certain ministries because I see this manifest of raw God given abilities that are so seemingly beyond my own. In that moment, I lose all confidence in building His kingdom.

So the remedy :: After God went through all these things along side me I was left thinking about all those things I already know in the core of my heart. My mind was in chaos wondering how I could put these amazing truths into action. And for once, I didn't come up with anything.

Here is what fell upon the ears of my Father though;

Lord, teach me how to obtain confidence in all I do. Not a surface confidence found in my appearance or personality but that unwavering confidence knowing that You are the Giver of life... the author of my life, and nothing I do is ever wasted. Show me, once again, who "Caydin" is because I'm second guessing myself at times. I find myself being cowardly and placing an inadequate sign over my head. I'm the only one who puts it there. I need clarity in who you have created in me. I want to see why I respond and act the way I do.

Straight up, I need healing in my life. Healing that only He can bring.

Letting God Work.

Letting God Work.

Sometimes things have to get really bad before you actually give God room to do something. You even let go for a short time... and when God doesn't act quick enough you grab tight onto the things you think will give you hope. How is He going to get the glory when things do fall in place, if you keep jumpin in trying to mend things on your own?

People think that they can solely fix and restore things in their own lives. Not so. Only He who makes things grow is responsible for anything and everything being restored to His creation. Why oh why can't I live like I actually believe this right now? Here I am for the hundredth time beating my head wondering why a few things in my life have not changed. And for the hundredth time God sits beside me and says," Caydin, I will surely give you strength to get through today."

Wouldn't it be easy to let go of something that you knew bottom line would end up just the way you wanted? Of Course. Jesus doesn't work that way. ( Of course, your desires will line up with His when He refines your heart and mind but thats not what I'm saying. ) When God asks you to let go of something that possibly won't go your way how much more of a challenge is it to let it go? God never said He would change your circumstances so that you may get what you want ...

Rather, He says He will give you strength to get through it all. He will satisfy you. He will give you what you need. Bottom line: He will make all things glorious.

I'm entirely struggling with this to the max. I wish I had the strength right now to truly hand over the key to my storage closet. My heart is in turmoil. My joy seems to disappear before I exhale. I have a cry of desperation in my life right now. God is near to me. I feel Him during these testing times, immensely.

So, God is near. God will give strength. God will make things glorious. I am awaiting the day in which I can truly let God work. Oh my sweet Jesus; my only remedy.

The nearness of there, feels more near to here.

Continuously Peeling Away.

I'd like to start out by saying that God is a God that restores whatever you lay before Him.

Not only does He restore His people individually, but He has the capabilities unlike any other to restore the relationships between His people. In my opinion, a restorative act needs to happen in each individual prior to a restored relationship between them.

There are 2 relationships in my life in which my heart is postured to while writing this. They are both relationships that have caused both turmoil and bliss in my life. I do not doubt the healing work of my Father though in both.

Looking at both of these relationships, I see how God needs to restore me before any post relationship healing.

How is it that I have so many things that I need to work on ? Because I am honest with my pursuit of God I cannot help but see all the brokenness inside of me. I am continuously convicted to peel back that mask that says everything is dandy. And my soul praises Him for it.

Me, along with millions of other people out there struggle with something called control. Surprisingly, I do not have a problem giving up control in many, many venues in my life... like my life altogether. I am not worried about where my life is going or even how I will get there. From the bottom of my heart, I have given up all my dreams solely to the Saviour of my soul. His dreams have become my dreams.

Now, it's the smaller things that I feel the need to control. I choose where we go to dinner, what time we will go and what we are doing afterwards. You can't do it, because I can do it better. EW!

Surely, God is showing me where all of this is stemming from and I am indeed becoming a new Caydin. He is proud of me when I let my siblings cook for me as I stand back. He says, " Well Done" when I go to the movie that he wanted to go to.

A restored Caydin doesn't involve a mighty, significant and in control Caydin.

It all boils down to less of Caydin.

And I'm down with that.

I am Not Immune.

I want to live free.

I want to let go and let God.

I want to hide behind nothing.

I want more of Him less of me.

I want to find joy in hard times.

I want to just not care about vanity.

I want my pride to be stripped away.

I don’t want THAT car. I don’t need THOSE shoes. I don’t need to be seen THERE. I don’t need to look like THAT.

As much as my heart truly desires to scream that from the top of my lungs, I have a confession :: Honestly, I’m just not that strong. ( yet )

Even though I seek God in all I do, and even though He is evident in my daily life, does not mean I am immune to everything this world has against me. I’m broken.

I’m not exempt from getting into situations that leave me with scars.

The beauty of this all is the fact that when I’m left with nothing to hold on to, there is Jesus; ready to guide me in His way. And, indeed, when I am weak, my God is strong.

Seeking God continuously throughout seemingly unchanging circumstances is worth it. While you unceasingly pray as He has called all His people, He is perfectly orchestrating everything you go through to lead you closer to Him.

My Only Remedy.

Minnesota. Whenever I am here I am broken down and reduced to literally nothing … Here is what always happens though … ALWAYS…

1Peter 5:10 “ And the God of all grace, who called you into eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. “

A restored, strengthened, and grounded woman I stand.

Oh man, so a few months ago I had no choice but to move back to Minnesota for the summer due to financial reasons. Prior to me moving here, my heavenly Father had a nearly despondent conversation with me. It’s like He knew that the moment I became the most vulnerable, is when I would have to deal with the consequences of all the decisions I was making up to that point and also when the solidity in my relationship with the Lord would be tested and put in check.

Moving to Minnesota was disgusting. While driving to the Midwest, I stopped and visited my boyfriend at the time. I’ve never been sitting face to face with someone and in that very moment realized that I am so uncomfortable that I literally could not say a word. My form of communication was only nervous facial expressions and tears. What a moment to cringe upon. What a relationship divinely orchestrated by my Father turned into a sinful circus. What a relationship our Father cringed upon. The remaining drive “home” consisted of a lot of David Crowder jamming and on my knees crying ( literally and figuratively ) out to Jesus.

Within the first few weeks of me being in this barren land, I am dumped. Relationships send you to cloud 9 at times and then at other times they send you plummeting to your seemingly doom. Being crushed, I do what I know helps long term, cling to my Father. This time was odd though because the deeper I dove in relationship with Him, the worse I felt. It’s like He was purging me of the idolatry I exhibited on the relationship I was in. I put more value in that earthly relationship than the only relationship that saves my soul. That was exposed and made clear in my response to being dumped. I could write a book called, “ All the things a woman should not do after being dumped. “

Recently, God has been pouring out His wisdom on me through His Word and through my dear friends. Sin isn’t stagnant. It spreads, stains, and soaks into every little crevasse when you casually dip your feet into it. So, don’t be fooled with your casual plunge. What was put together for God’s purpose was broken and corrupted by sin. Here is what I am reminded of :: Caydin, my dear child, stop trying to fix things. Let it go so that I may be given room to work. Stop trying to orchestrate things, Caydin. Don’t you want glory to be given to me when things are made glorious? Stop running to all those things that give you a temporary illusion of being fixed. You know all too well, that I, your heavenly Father, am your only remedy.

I learn the most when I am reduced to seemingly nothing. When I am hopeless and have grasped onto everything besides the unchanging hand of my Father; when I feel furthest away from God is when the Holy Spirit stops me in my tracks and reminds me that I am called to greater things than these.