...Genuine or Just Another Counterfeit?

As I continue through this calloused and stretching season in my life, Im wondering what merit this season in my life will have once I have stepped out of it... aka - Why the heck am I even putting myself through all this?

When I am full of joy and adoration for Jesus, my life surely reflects just that. So, while I feel as if I have been emptied of all vigor and vitality - do I simply reflect a stale and inert person? I've got to that point where I am actually recognizing how apathetic I've become towards the things that once gave me a relentless spirited attitude...

It's a scary place to be when you are apathetic towards everything that matters. When I catch myself contending for things that are irrelevant and worthless - I cringe. I cringe, yet I do not change. That is freakin scary. What brought me into this season was simple :: My responses to circumstances have been to run away from the pain that brings healing and the seemingly overwhelming list of things that I need to surrender in my life. I do this by distracting myself with other "feel good" fixes. As long as I feel okay in the moment, I need not think about tomorrow.

While all of this is me being very transparent, I will also say that I surely have not lost the conviction that only the Holy Spirit brings and the undying truth that is deep within my heart. While my actions scream that Jesus cannot satisfy and my mindset sadly puts more value on my current emotions rather than what I know to be true and unwavering - Jesus is along side me in this. He is not condoning my actions, rather He is loving me all the more by allowing me to "act a fool". When I finally hit bottom and allow Him to, once again, bring restoration to my wounds, my love for Him will be proven genuine.

I'm granted the struggle, so that my faith can be validated as authentic.