Justice.

I've been contemplating how God ushers in His justice.

I've been contemplating what justice even is.

I see a few different perspectives of justice. One perspective is the relational justice between God and His people. The other perspective is justice between people and their circumstances. They are contingent on each other.

:: In it's entirety, I've concluded that ultimate justice will have found us in the fulfillment of God's purpose, for our wholeness to be found in Him.

Circumstantial Justice ::

God offers a journey of profound wisdom for those who have been wronged, misunderstood, and discredited while under His authority. I am sure of this. There is a journey in those experiences that many run from. This is what I am in the midst of right now. A journey of wisdom and freedom. There is a mass amount of injustice in my life that still weighs heavy on my heart at times.

God surely continues to step within my perception.

Great wounds in my life have been brought by people whom have no conviction nor desire for penance. While that's an issue in and of itself in their relationship with God, I grieve as I endure the reality of broken relationships between brothers and sisters in Christ. I grieve, as I know, surely it grieves God's heart to see His kids author injustice between each other.

I reflect on God's perspective. He looks at the afflicted, abused, disregarded, and misunderstood and proclaims a transformation of character and an invitation to be healed by the wounds of this world. I know this to be true and deeply woven in my heart yet my mind plays the devils advocate at times. I ask why those whom have wronged me are thriving in their lives. It's as if it's a perpetual stabbing in the back.

Though my enemies remain flourishing, You, O Lord, are my steadfast hope. You, O Lord will make things right. If I didn't actually trust in who You claim to be and the justice you proclaim over your people, my hope would be folly. My pain would be fruitless. My tears would be trivial. My words would simply be hot air.

And the injustice in my life would be futile.

But because I continue on this journey,

:: You counteract every and all plans that are not for the good of who you've created in me. Because of the faith I have in You, You rectify the foolishness this world labels my life as.

Relational Justice ::

In utter submission and obedience, great revelations are to be had. I've seen how justice has indeed been put into motion in my life. Sin brings injustice to our relationship with Christ. It oppresses our perception in seeing His truer perspective and ultimately separates us from Him. That is injustice.

:: But see how God is bringing justice to our sinful nature as we encounter Him and become closer to being in a freeing and reconciled union with Him.

Retrogress.

I can look at the many progressions in my life ::

Age 14 and wanting to be someone who is loved and known

Age 16 and trying so hard to be known and loved by the "it" crowd

Age 18 and doing my best to keep up the facades and deceit

Age 19 and cycling this roundabout of discontentment

Age 20 and realizing my life of hypocrisy

Age 21 and experiencing sin go sour within my stomach

Age 22 and allowing Truth to disintegrate the chains that bind me

Age 23 and encountering a God who restores and brings meaning

Age 24 and remaining in the realities of my heart

:: I love what God asks of His disciples, because as you remain obedient in His precepts, breakthrough and progression is inevitable.

Psalm 19:7-9 ::

"The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.

The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.

The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.

The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous."

As I recognized all the ways in which God ushers in breakthroughs, I also thought a moment about the times in which I've retrogressed into old habits and mindsets. As frustrating as those moments are, I am favored as God reveals why this happens.

The moments I find my mind reverting back to any old mindset, I'm reminded of the flawless wisdom God has given to us in Psalm 19:7-9. In what ways am I failing to grasp the reality and validity of these verses?

God's authority says ::

( Psalm 19:7-9 )

When you obey my laws your soul will be revived.

My laws will remain steadfast and the wisdom they hold is apparent

What I say is free from error and in that find comfort and merriment

Continue under my resplendent authority so that I may reveal sin for what it truly is

The wonder and mystery of who I am will eternally remain unequivocal

When I can allege to God's authority and place myself under it, in all of my thoughts and decisions, any retrogression will cease to exist.

May you see the perfect commands of a God who overrides the meaninglessness of our lives and liberates His people from themselves.

Forgotten Name.

This last year of life has been a long drawn out season of this consistent cycle of stepping into awarenesses and allowing God to heal my heart. Through this I have come to actually know my Father on an intimate level. I see how God knew all along the things my heart was craving and aching for. He allowed me to manipulate my wounds and my circumstances to the point where I was left raw and destitute of heart. I was also left with a decision to make at the end of every day and while in the moment it seemed worthless, I had a heart that decided to remain obedient and faithful to the God that I had encountered prior to the turmoil I had created and fed into.

Through the twists and turns of this last year I am grateful for a God who remained patient with me. As I often asked in prayer, He desired to bring revelation to my mind and heart, but even more often, my fallow ground was not prepared for His revelations to ring true in all their worth. He still continued to cultivate my heart until it was healthy enough for seeds to spring life from. Looking back, this specific 'migration' from fallow to life took a lot of work, pain and time.

Remaining steadfast in obedience as the gunk is loosened and separated from my heart has created a new person in me. I have suffered much in believing Satan's lies in regards to my identity and worth. He called me things that led me far from my God given name.

" You are not enough."

" You mess everything up."

" Your personality is repulsive. "

" You always ruin it all. "

This is what my heart actually believed. Through numerous encounters with God, and a loyal heart to Jesus these lies slowly started to not make sense. In God's relentless pursuit of me He distinctly began shining His radiance onto my heart piece by piece and moment by moment. I no longer would just verbalize the truth in hopes of someday actually believing it about myself, rather I claimed my identity under His authority as I began to see the disparity between what Jesus says of me and what I thought myself to be.

Here and now in this place, I know God has purged me of a substantial amount of ish this last year and He has answered my prayers seeking for wisdom and revelation. I'm honored that God felt it of worth to bestow upon my life things beyond what I asked. This entire identity crisis is curious to me because it's not like I was transformed into an entirely different Caydin, rather God began healing the Caydin that was, and revealing value and worth to the Caydin who is.

Not once was I a child of God who wasn't enough. I never once ruined any plans that God had for me and I never was a character that was faulty. It was neither adjusted nor created in this season - It was just forgotten in the midst of my sin and it's aftermath. I've always had a name and identity in Christ.

:: May He continue to be a radiant light that leads us on a journey towards revelation

:: May He call our names until we are found

Hallelujah to the King.

My heart is surely fixed on a God who has responded to my cries in the midst of my hopelessness, discontentment and grief. I have successfully endured, and been obedient through a season of calamity. I am drowning in tears as I am finally seeing the fruits of a heart that has been purged, tilled and turned. This process has entirely changed the rhythm of my heart, the depth of my mind and the vitality of my lifestyle. Hallelujah to the King.

Reparation is the very least He has given me. Beyond, He has given me His eyes to further carry out His glory to the end of my days, as I have a truer perspective in all the things that have yet to come and the things that remain behind me. Hallelujah to the King.

Situational imprints of His hands have guided me into recognizing and believing in who He says I am. Running with that perspective of truth I am wholly capable of being fearless, wonderfully wise, humbly confident and... simply enough in all I do.

When I am given a glimpse of His kingdom here on earth; the sin, the shame, the pain, the injustice, and the lies that have been part of my life do not hold a place of comparison. The forever blooming existence of a Father who will make all things right enables me to truly desire His will be done, in all things.

Hallelujah to the King.

Psalm 84:11

My Lord God is a sun and shield.

:: He painfully reveals, yet He is a trustworthy protector

He bestows honor and favor.

:: Remaining in truth, despite it's pain, leads to freedom. The fact that we can find freedom in Him is favor on our lives

He withholds no good thing from those whose walk is blameless.

:: God fine tunes our very essence so that we may have the wise and true perspective to see the irrefutable goodness He gives

Ecclesiastes.

I am falling head over heels for this book. I've read it a few times but this time it's strangely intriguing and whispering sweet little things to my heart.

I love how King Solomon takes profound statements and insights while etching them into his own experience. It's beautifully written. Ultimately, Solomon finds that the meaninglessness of our lives, only find meaning while being handed over to God. Our lives are to be wholly centered around the existence of God. He captures, so well, the discontentment found in the lives of those who search for satisfaction and worth in their expeditions, scrutiny, and studies.

Overall, I got the idea that Solomon believes man has a inward conscious that cannot deny the existence of God. He believes this because of how our lives look when we live counter to our initial design and purpose...Well, that's what I understood it to be.

THAT, is a profound understanding of how flawless God's ways are and how nothing can twist His goodness. There is no way to discredit His plan - because as we try to manipulate it, it becomes all the more in plain sight. Furthermore, when we walk away from His plan the more obvious our meaninglessness becomes - thus discrediting our plans and validating His. So flawless!

There is so much more that is jumping out at me but I want it to be concretely in my heart and mind prior to posting it.

Gifts.

Relationships are a great gift.

Lately I've been feeling as if I'm greatly missing out because God hasn't placed them in my life. Specifically, the romantic ones. I've even gone to the extent of looking at other women in my life, wondering what the heck they've done so right that God has given them the gift of a beautiful union with another person. The evilness in my heart is exposed. I've only dated 2 people my entire life and I have never been in a relationship that I pursued with unhealthy motives or in perceived brokenness. So, in my head I was left wondering why God withholds things from me while blessing others.

God has been provoking a new way for me to look at all this. It is a gift to be pursued by God and this thought ignited a new focus and reality for me.

In this season, God is giving me a gift beyond any gift I've ever dreamed of. He wants to bless me with a heart that is content and at peace in all circumstances. He is giving me the gift of spiritual growth, truly being refined in this emotional circumstance. He is itchin to give me the gift of a heart and mind solely fixed on the freedom He brings. Gifts don't come any more real, essential and undeserved. And foremost, He is giving me the gift of a deepened relationship with Him. I'm so captivated by a God whose work is beyond what we first see or initially fathom.

Lastly, God has made it clear that while He offers these gifts to all of His kids, not many actually accept. I could easily find a shallow happiness in a relationship I decide to stir up. I want the gift that penetrates and shatters the core of humanities brokenness and disconnect.

I am greatly favored, as God is allowing this pain to form the beautiful gift of wholeness, unity, and wisdom in my heart.

Purify.

I went through a really deep heart break last spring. So much of my brokenness was exposed in my response to it. I was depressed, unmotivated, felt worthless, and really just fed off of lies that I allowed to fester. As I've said in numerous of my posts, I knew that these were simply symptoms to core issues and really had little to do with the fact that I was no longer in a relationship. Among the many things God is surely transforming in me, I want to share just a few things that I know He is specifically showing me lately.

He is showing me that this experience is catalyzing something profound in me. Something that has great momentum. Something that I have actually been begging Him for in the last 5 years of my life. I see how this shitty circumstance uprooted and brought into plain view the reality of what my heart looked like. That I am broken - a product of imperfect parenting, rejection, facades, and foolishness - who is in need of Truth, purpose, forgiveness, restoration and a union with a Father who desires every single aspect of who I am.

By seemingly having everything during a season and quickly seeing it all dissolve before your eyes undeniably puts you in an essential turning place. Either you can continue to run after everything you feel you have lost or you can run the opposite way, by saying "yes" to a journey of purging your idols and allowing the Holy Spirit to reconstruct and redeem all aspects of your life. I had such a difficult time running the opposite way, not because I didn't want transformation but because, specific to my situation, I still desired a relationship with that boy. I realized that I wanted it only because it temporarily would "fix" my emotional state, but it was simply how I felt and my emotions were valid to God in the midst of this constant struggle. I could never pinpoint a legit reason as to why I wanted this relationship, either - brokenness set aside. I couldn't see the circumstance for what it actually was.

That was a daily tug of war until God pulled me out of the fire to look at His reflection.

I am worthy of a man who bears good fruit as He is connected to the Vine. I am worthy of a man who is rich in the things of God, and barren in the sight of human culture. I am worthy of a man who is in tune with the Holy Spirit and is seeking Him in all occasions. I am worthy of a man who respects my purity and sees me as God's beloved child, created to be holy as He is holy. I am worthy of a man who has sat in the nit and grit of his heart until Jesus began His good work. I am worthy of a man who understands that the core of love is sacrifice and we were given a flawless example to follow, in the Father sending His Son down. I am worthy of a man who in his humility, responds, and interacts, rather than in his prideful facade. Among many other things, I deserve a man who is not a coward for the Truth and His pursuit of it.

Darin shared this at the end of Sunday's service at the Center

:: author is anonymous

When you are forgotten, or neglected,

or purposely set at naught, and you

don't sting or hurt with the insult or

the oversight, but your heart is happy,

being counted worthy to suffer for Yashua,

That is dying to self.

When your good is evil spoken of,

when your wishes are misunderstood

your advise disregarded, your opinions

ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger

rise in your heart, or even defend

yourself, but take it all in patient, loving silence,

That is dying to self..

When you lovingly and patiently bear

any disorder, any irregularity, any

unpunctuality, or any annoyance; when

you stand face to face with waste, folly,

extravagance, spiritual insensibility-

and endure it as Yashua endured,

That is dying to self.

When you are content with any food,

any offering, any climate, any society,

any raiment, any interruption

by the will of Yaweh,

That is dying to self.

When you never care to refer to your-

self in conversation, or to record your

own good works, or itch after commendations,

when you can truly love to be unknown,

That is dying to self.

When you can see your brother prosper

and have his needs met and can honestly

rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy,

nor question Yahweh while your own

needs are greater and in desperate circumstances,

That is dying to self.

When you can receive correction and

reproof from one of less stature than your-

self and can humbly submit inwardly as

well as outwardly, finding no rebellion

or resentment rising up within your heart,

That is dying to self.

Are you dead yet?

In these last days, the Spirit would bring us

to the stake "That I may know HIM, and the

power of HIS resurrection, and the fellowship

of HIS sufferings, being made conformable

unto HIS death."

The Unknown.

Often times I've heard a good friend of mine talk about this "fear of the unknown" that stops people from enrichment and ultimate healing in their lives. In my ignorant heart, I took note and stored it in my brain for the sole purpose of a future potential conversation piece. I never once thought it was something that would be proven relevant in my life.

I'm not sure if I ever really understood it all before these last few days. I have been struggling with releasing this specific painful situation to God. A situation that tarnished my name, stole my dignity, identity and joy. I was wronged and stolen from. Satan created lies that I allowed to cultivate in my head. Never had I been so depressed, broken and confused as when this season was ushered in. Of course, this circumstance entirely existed because of sin. In part, my sin. I cleaned my side of the street but was still left with an exhausted heart, vulnerable mind, and broken spirit that needed His restorative truth woven back in.

In that season God truly revealed to me that the actions that created this situation were indeed only symptoms of deeper issues. So all in all, amazing revelations have been induced YET I still cling to the hope that He will make this situation right by bringing justice. Here is where I go wrong though... In my brokenness I dig my fingers into the situation in search of justice and remedy and wonder why I continuously come out discontent and further broken.

The fear of the unknown falls into place when my mind has been seemingly forever occupied with this situation in my life, that to take my mind out of it, and stop the works of my hands trying to mend it ... means that I have to find hope in something different. Which also means ... I need to scratch the false hopes my mind has conjured up and let go of what I've trained my mind to think reconciliation is. When I think about this I feel uneasy as if I'm falling into a not so beautiful abyss.

To latch and pry your fingers into situations that have been sources of much pain in your life will forever put you in a cycle of discontentment, as I have surely experienced. As God is far more concerned with my character rather than my situation, I can find hope in truer things rather than trying to manipulate painful situations. Truer things that are forever and that actually satisfy. Truer things that baptize my mind and transform my mentality.

Spiritual-ness.

We are both physical and spiritual beings, thus everything we do is spiritual. I do believe this. Everything we do isn't solely the physical-ness of our decisions/ideas/actions/etc ... they have just as real, if not even more real, spiritual consequences and responses. I've been really allowing this to sink into my heart the last few weeks and reading Nouwen's book, "Here and Now" has really just affirmed so much in me. Not only that, but Nouwen has furthered the thought by adding a much more wider, yet deeper perspective on what our spiritual-ness actually is.

It's so profound to actually comprehend the fact that for every situation there is a spiritual situation surrounding it. I'm not just talking in terms of this great spiritual battle between Good and Evil. ( God you are victorious! ) In this post I'm focusing on the profound, yet soft and gentle ways the Holy Spirit generates and cultivates His plans for His people. His ways are so flawless yet at times seem so ... haphazard. I wonder why this seemingly great relationship didn't work out or how this person could so easily walk away from their faith ...etc. . . It's in times as those I wonder ..." Where is the spiritual side to all this?" - more specifically "where is the Holy Spirit in that certain situation? Is He going to show up later down the road? Is He taking a break from this wretched situation?"

While in a fallen world, sin is inevitable and it inevitably spreads leaving behind remnants of it's manifestation. Wretched situations are going to happen. The spiritual side to that is the fact that God does not waste- through the Holy Spirit, any wretched situation calls someone to transformation - and the complete union with God that our humanness is dying for.

" Jesus does not give a political interpretation of the event but a spiritual one: What happened invites you to conversion! This is the deepest meaning of history: a constant invitation calling us to turn our hearts to God and so discover the full meaning of our lives. " - Nouwen

Everything the Holy Spirit does inevitably draws us closer to that place of union with Him, as He first intended before the fall of Adam. This brings hope.

I also loved this in Nouwen's book ::

"When I marched with thousands of black and white Americans from Selma to Montgomery in the summer of 1965, to support the blacks in their struggle for equal rights, Martin Luther King already said that the deeper spiritual meaning of the civil rights movement was that the blacks were calling the whites to conversion...the poor have a mission to the rich, the blacks have a mission to the whites, the handicapped have a mission to the "normal", the gay people have a mission to the straight, the dying have a mission to the living. Those whom the world has made into victims, God has chosen to be bearers of good news. "

I never thought of the Civil Rights Movement this way - and now that I think about it I can also apply this to the women's movements that have taken place over the past century. When looking at the spiritual side of these circumstances, according to Nouwen, they are quite reversed. Without taking this to an unhealthy extreme I can say that the spiritual side to the womens movements werent so much about women becoming independent and fighting the men for equal rights - but rather it was an invitation for men to relinquish entitlements and further see the value in a coexisting union between God, husband and wife. Interesting.