This last year of life has been a long drawn out season of this consistent cycle of stepping into awarenesses and allowing God to heal my heart. Through this I have come to actually know my Father on an intimate level. I see how God knew all along the things my heart was craving and aching for. He allowed me to manipulate my wounds and my circumstances to the point where I was left raw and destitute of heart. I was also left with a decision to make at the end of every day and while in the moment it seemed worthless, I had a heart that decided to remain obedient and faithful to the God that I had encountered prior to the turmoil I had created and fed into.
Through the twists and turns of this last year I am grateful for a God who remained patient with me. As I often asked in prayer, He desired to bring revelation to my mind and heart, but even more often, my fallow ground was not prepared for His revelations to ring true in all their worth. He still continued to cultivate my heart until it was healthy enough for seeds to spring life from. Looking back, this specific 'migration' from fallow to life took a lot of work, pain and time.
Remaining steadfast in obedience as the gunk is loosened and separated from my heart has created a new person in me. I have suffered much in believing Satan's lies in regards to my identity and worth. He called me things that led me far from my God given name.
" You are not enough."
" You mess everything up."
" Your personality is repulsive. "
" You always ruin it all. "
This is what my heart actually believed. Through numerous encounters with God, and a loyal heart to Jesus these lies slowly started to not make sense. In God's relentless pursuit of me He distinctly began shining His radiance onto my heart piece by piece and moment by moment. I no longer would just verbalize the truth in hopes of someday actually believing it about myself, rather I claimed my identity under His authority as I began to see the disparity between what Jesus says of me and what I thought myself to be.
Here and now in this place, I know God has purged me of a substantial amount of ish this last year and He has answered my prayers seeking for wisdom and revelation. I'm honored that God felt it of worth to bestow upon my life things beyond what I asked. This entire identity crisis is curious to me because it's not like I was transformed into an entirely different Caydin, rather God began healing the Caydin that was, and revealing value and worth to the Caydin who is.
Not once was I a child of God who wasn't enough. I never once ruined any plans that God had for me and I never was a character that was faulty. It was neither adjusted nor created in this season - It was just forgotten in the midst of my sin and it's aftermath. I've always had a name and identity in Christ.
:: May He continue to be a radiant light that leads us on a journey towards revelation
:: May He call our names until we are found
amen amen amen. I praise God for what He alone has done and what He alone is continuing to do in your life. it is a beautiful thing and one that so rightly and justly points to, and glorifies our good God. it is so true what you said about the fallow ground needing preparing. it is like hard dirt that you water and it cannot absorb it... it needs to be watered 10 minutes a day for the water to be able to soak through, little by little, until the water reaches the depths of the soil. this is a beautiful analogy that my mentor taught me just last night... and I feel like (with both of us : ) ) God still watered (and is watering now) even though our hearts were not yet fully ready to understand, or completely receive all that He truly is able to bestow on us. I'm praying for you in this time. much love caydin.
ReplyDeleteMmm this makes me so happy Caydin. I just woke up a little bit ago and this is such an encouraging way to start the day. Okay... first of all, like Jenna said, AMEN. God is so good. God is always good. He is always the same, so it is up to us to believe that and seek after that and that is exactly what you've done and continue to do. I loved reading this because I could just picture God putting out His arms towards you, waiting, until you ran into them for redemption. Those are SUCH lies and praise God that you can now write those out as falsities instead of paining and piercing ideas that satan was tempting you to believe. I also pray that He will shine His light SO brightly in your life that you will never have to be brought to that hurt again. Continue in that obedience and discipline Caydin. God promises that if you seek, He will meet you. And he so obviously has in the last months or year. You are worthy to be loved, God is YOUR FATHER :)
ReplyDeleteI've also been thinking about something like this as well. I wondered, what if we could just put ourselves out of this contraint of time, and just view ourselves as ourselves? None of that past or future business- just being ourselves, in its entirety. And when Christ lives in us, all we have and need is the eternal presence of our Father. Erroneous statements ring hollow.
ReplyDelete"Not once was I a child of God who wasn't enough. I never once ruined any plans that God had for me and I never was a character that was faulty. It was neither adjusted nor created in this season - It was just forgotten in the midst of my sin and it's aftermath. I've always had a name and identity in Christ." <------------ O my, o my, o my. THIS IS SO GOOD. I should write it on my mirrors, my walls, everything. Often I feel to be such a mess, not enough, inadequate, ruined, and ruining. Thank you for these words. Praise God for teaching this truths to you. Lord, I praise you. May you continue to teach Caydin who she is, who you have called her to be, and what you are using for here & now. We love you.
ReplyDeleteGirl! This is so good! So true! So amazing! I see that part I was gonna comment on has already been well covered, but to reiterate the awesomeness of your words, I'll share my 2cents as well :) "..I never once ruined any plans that God had for me...I've always had a name and identity in Christ." This blew me away. This is my heart right now. I get so down on myself, thinking that I just jack up the things God has planned for me, and I have to keep striving to get back to the place God wants me to be...It's hard for me to realize that God knows exactly what is going on, and I've never lost status with Him. He uses everything to glorify Him. So good. You're awesome.
ReplyDeleteGreat great great encouragement! I love being able to hear how obedience pays off. God can be absolutely soo brilliant and this is definitely evident in your life. We mess up constantly, yet as you said God is patiently waiting by our side healing us from our mess. I am so glad that you have been willing and seeking God and that you have realized the transformation in your heart. My prayer for you is that you will continue to morph your heart for God and learn and learn to be more and more like him.
ReplyDeleteoh dear. that was wonderful. wow, i'm blown away by the insight you have here on our permanent place in the heart of God. this is such a huge encouragement. manipulating the wounds is something i certainly relate to, and it is a beautiful reminder that we are not forgotten or wholly lost in that.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing! I am so excited for you as you seek the truth of the Lord for yourself. You are not forgotten.
ReplyDeletewhen you flourish you become more you. you become more that person God had in mind when he thought you up. you didn’t just become holier, you become you-er. God wants to redeem you, not exchange you.
ReplyDeletejohn ortberg, the me i want to be
SISTA AMEEEENNNNN!!!! this is such a perfect picture of the Christian life. Caydin you have so much wisdom and youre so on fire it PUMPS ME Upppp. i get an eternal perspective while reading this. so good!!!
ReplyDelete"In God's relentless pursuit of me He distinctly began shining His radiance onto my heart piece by piece and moment by moment. I no longer would just verbalize the truth in hopes of someday actually believing it about myself, rather I claimed my identity under His authority as I began to see the disparity between what Jesus says of me and what I thought myself to be." PURE GOLD.
Caydin. Your words are beautiful. Meaningful. Full of life and inspiration. Powerful. Maybe you should become a writer/author! =) God truly shines through you and thank you for being a willing vessel. You are wonderful and such a light.
ReplyDeleteCaydin this is so encouraging. Your life is such a testament to God's faithfulness and love. I love what you wrote at the end about how we have always had an identity and name in Christ and He helped you find yours. That is so beautiful and encouraging to me. Thanks for this reminder and for sharing this with us :)
ReplyDelete