Often times I've heard a good friend of mine talk about this "fear of the unknown" that stops people from enrichment and ultimate healing in their lives. In my ignorant heart, I took note and stored it in my brain for the sole purpose of a future potential conversation piece. I never once thought it was something that would be proven relevant in my life.
I'm not sure if I ever really understood it all before these last few days. I have been struggling with releasing this specific painful situation to God. A situation that tarnished my name, stole my dignity, identity and joy. I was wronged and stolen from. Satan created lies that I allowed to cultivate in my head. Never had I been so depressed, broken and confused as when this season was ushered in. Of course, this circumstance entirely existed because of sin. In part, my sin. I cleaned my side of the street but was still left with an exhausted heart, vulnerable mind, and broken spirit that needed His restorative truth woven back in.
In that season God truly revealed to me that the actions that created this situation were indeed only symptoms of deeper issues. So all in all, amazing revelations have been induced YET I still cling to the hope that He will make this situation right by bringing justice. Here is where I go wrong though... In my brokenness I dig my fingers into the situation in search of justice and remedy and wonder why I continuously come out discontent and further broken.
The fear of the unknown falls into place when my mind has been seemingly forever occupied with this situation in my life, that to take my mind out of it, and stop the works of my hands trying to mend it ... means that I have to find hope in something different. Which also means ... I need to scratch the false hopes my mind has conjured up and let go of what I've trained my mind to think reconciliation is. When I think about this I feel uneasy as if I'm falling into a not so beautiful abyss.
To latch and pry your fingers into situations that have been sources of much pain in your life will forever put you in a cycle of discontentment, as I have surely experienced. As God is far more concerned with my character rather than my situation, I can find hope in truer things rather than trying to manipulate painful situations. Truer things that are forever and that actually satisfy. Truer things that baptize my mind and transform my mentality.
You can give and give and give it all to God, but I find Him asking me to forgive myself so He can further work. I must ask you, then, to really consider if you have forgiven yourself for everything, known and unknown about your situation. I think that's the very first step.
ReplyDeletethat is such a valid point Jenna :) I have indeed gone through the muck of the identity crisis where I actually believed these lies that Satan placed in my mind and I allowed them to grow. Lies that said I was a misfit, I was too intense, and all in all, unworthy for His righteousness to cover me. Fortunately, I have an amazing community that speaks truth into my life and over time have seen this situation for what it actually is. I was wronged. I was fed lies that radically changed me in wretched ways. I have a hard time trusting the ways God brings justice. Not that I doubt He will, but how He brings justice. I have a picture in my head of what this circumstance should look like if justice is brought in. It wasn't in tune with God's picture. Thats where the calamity is. :)
ReplyDeleteI find myself waiting for what God could possibly do to make my own mess not just unmessy, but to make me WHOLE. and OH, what He will do with both of us... individually and together.
ReplyDeleteI identified with so much that is written here that it is BEYOND me right now. Its a discouraging place to be, but its so encouraging to hear your words and know someone else can have similar feelings. I feel like, "its okay" because we are human and fall short, but always fall into the Lord's grace. Praise Him. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI have found myself "latching" and "prying" to things that in the end just cause discontentment. I've learned the hard way in a few circumstances as we all do. But thank God for his patience and for never giving up on us!!!
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