Friday, February 4, 2011


I went through a really deep heart break last spring. So much of my brokenness was exposed in my response to it. I was depressed, unmotivated, felt worthless, and really just fed off of lies that I allowed to fester. As I've said in numerous of my posts, I knew that these were simply symptoms to core issues and really had little to do with the fact that I was no longer in a relationship. Among the many things God is surely transforming in me, I want to share just a few things that I know He is specifically showing me lately.

He is showing me that this experience is catalyzing something profound in me. Something that has great momentum. Something that I have actually been begging Him for in the last 5 years of my life. I see how this shitty circumstance uprooted and brought into plain view the reality of what my heart looked like. That I am broken - a product of imperfect parenting, rejection, facades, and foolishness - who is in need of Truth, purpose, forgiveness, restoration and a union with a Father who desires every single aspect of who I am.

By seemingly having everything during a season and quickly seeing it all dissolve before your eyes undeniably puts you in an essential turning place. Either you can continue to run after everything you feel you have lost or you can run the opposite way, by saying "yes" to a journey of purging your idols and allowing the Holy Spirit to reconstruct and redeem all aspects of your life. I had such a difficult time running the opposite way, not because I didn't want transformation but because, specific to my situation, I still desired a relationship with that boy. I realized that I wanted it only because it temporarily would "fix" my emotional state, but it was simply how I felt and my emotions were valid to God in the midst of this constant struggle. I could never pinpoint a legit reason as to why I wanted this relationship, either - brokenness set aside. I couldn't see the circumstance for what it actually was.

That was a daily tug of war until God pulled me out of the fire to look at His reflection.

I am worthy of a man who bears good fruit as He is connected to the Vine. I am worthy of a man who is rich in the things of God, and barren in the sight of human culture. I am worthy of a man who is in tune with the Holy Spirit and is seeking Him in all occasions. I am worthy of a man who respects my purity and sees me as God's beloved child, created to be holy as He is holy. I am worthy of a man who has sat in the nit and grit of his heart until Jesus began His good work. I am worthy of a man who understands that the core of love is sacrifice and we were given a flawless example to follow, in the Father sending His Son down. I am worthy of a man who in his humility, responds, and interacts, rather than in his prideful facade. Among many other things, I deserve a man who is not a coward for the Truth and His pursuit of it.


  1. Caydin this is beautiful! How amazing that you can look back over the past year, and really see God's hand in this, and see the ways that God has used brokenness to grow you, change you, and deepen your walk with Him. Amen for that girl! And you absolutely are worthy of a man whose heart has a deep desire to love you in the way Christ loves the church! I'm excited to be on this journey with you, and excited to see what God will do this! :)

  2. this post is great caydin. And that poem thingy at the bottom is absolutely gorgeous. Is it alright if I she just that last paragraph with my girlfriend? she would love it.

    Thanks caydin, I really appreciate that you are in the group

  3. i feel like i can identify with so much of what you have written about in this post. caydin, the process of purification and healing is painful. i will be praying for you.

  4. And don't you settle. Don't even think about it.

  5. I love this. And especially the part about looking at His reflection! I think it's important for every woman to think about the reflection of Christ...what that looks like...and search for these things within a man. And just like Nick said above...we can't settle!!!

  6. Caydin, you are so worthy. Please do not forget this. Praying for you.

    And thank you for the reminder that I am deserving of this as well. It is easy for me to continuously forget this.

  7. PREACH!

    "by saying "yes" to a journey of purging your idols"

    Wow! That is so powerful! And is the perfect way to sum up this past year for me,.This is a powerful truth! This type of spirit has been lurking in the hearts of our generation. Much like in the ScrewTape Letters, when ScrewTape speaks of the baser demons weaving evils and compromises and temptations into the fabric society. I really feel this is one of those things.

    The Lord is going to use you here! Your humility has allowed the Lord to fashion a key to that bondage. You are free from it now, and your ministry to others in this area will allow you to use that key again and help other out of this bondage.

    This was very encouraging! Thanks you!

  8. Amen. This was radical and you can taste the passion behind the words when reading it. Thank you for being open; True healing can only come from an open heart and a place of honesty. The poem at the it frequently, remember it always.

  9. wow thank you so much for sharing all that, definitely been through the same. Stoked that the Lord brought you out of it and healing has taken place

    That poem is awesome by the way

  10. Such a time...of so many emotions and thoughts. One encouragment for you that I too had to learn in a season similar to yours:
    Only God can complete you. Devote yourself to growing, learning, and becoming a woman of God that will be able to complement this man of God that you are dreaming of. A woman that is bearing good fruit because you are connected to the vine, rich in the sight of God, and poor in the sight of human culture, In tune with the Holy Spirit and seeking him in all occasions, respects others purity and sees them as Holy as he is Holy, ... and pursueing the truth.
    God knows where this man is for you...he knows where he is at on his journey towards becoming this man. Use this time to become the woman he will cherish. The woman he will build his life with. Use this time. It will be worth it!