Thursday, October 21, 2010

His Refinement.

Just try wiping the smile off my face today.

As my life has been in a continuous cycle of letting go, grabbing tight, becoming unhealthy, letting go, grabbing tight (etc..) since last spring... Something has snapped in me and I feel a maturing stage in my life about to commence.

A number of things became really vivid to me after a conversation with a dear friend last night.

1. While I felt I had the situations in my life under my control, - ie. I was trying to mend things Caydin's way, which gave me a sense of control over the outcome - It dawned on me... if things were to go as Caydin actually anticipated and hoped for; the outcome would be the same as it had already been shown.

( For those of you in the dark - I'm talking about a relationship with someone I so eagerly desired. )

2. Let's say Caydin got her way - and she was given another shot in this relationship - it would surely end the same way it did last time. I know this because I am not yet the woman God wants to present before any true man of God.
I simply would not be enough.

3. I have an issue with loving myself. The lack of love. While I am confident in some areas I am entirely empty in others. Being raised in this american cultural consistently tells me that the woman God has created in me is just not enough. I need to find value in other things. It induces a facade on woman and an unhealthy view on what, "healthy" is. It dictates your interactions, your relationships and your motives.

4. It's easy for a woman to remain in a relationship and have this issue. When you have that significant someone in your life you really don't need to think about your issues because they seemingly make things peachy. I'm happy God allowed me to be stupid, childish, and fake in the last relationship I was in. It sent me to a mental hell- which is exactly what I needed.

5. And finally, while God is just beginning a beautiful process in me, why would He even want me near that relationship that I will continue to mess up? Broken relationships hurt God. I know this. I'm not sure how God will remedy this broken friendship but I'm not too concerned with it right now. First things first - Caydin.

I need to know how to love myself, before I can be love to someone else.

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