A Heart Can Slow You Down.

:: I need to not always base my decisions off of what my heart "feels"- or what makes it beat a little quicker. I need to look at things more analytically and logically as opposed to solely whatever pulls my heart strings. ::

:: Responding to situations is just as important. Rather than indulging in the intense emotion a situation brings out, I can look at things coherently and objectively. I know this will ultimately save me from much hardship. ::

Nobody Put Jesus on the Cross.

Jesus was a success.

Last night Darin talked about success. What does it actually look like in your life to succeed?

Obviously, for Christians, success has nothing to do with them, but rather in taking all the opportunities that come their way to honor God. It was amazing how Darin provoked some new thoughts in my mind about Jesus and His success while walking the Earth- and how we are called to be like Jesus.

Jesus was a success. God sent Him down to this Earth to become nothing. He sent Him to live a life that the masses would see as an abomination. Jesus was called to a life of exile. He emptied Himself to its entirety. That's success.

Jesus was a success. Nobody put Jesus on the cross. Jesus went to the cross. He died because He knew it would honor His Father.

Honestly, I know what success should look like in my life. YET I'm at a place in which my heart just isn't there. I find my heart still chasing after things that I think will make me successful.

Relationships with certain people. An abundance of "works" that build His kingdom. Liked and known by the majority. Etc..

Nobody made Jesus get nailed to that cross for the disobedience in my life. Jesus went to the cross while the majority spat and found muse in what they were witnessing.

Jesus, while I still have a listless heart, please continue the work You have begun in me.

Psuedo.

"Every sense I have has been exhausted." - Barcelona

Which ultimately has left me numb.

Becoming apathetic towards things has actually enabled me to be in tune with some issues going on with me. My lack of emotion has allowed me to look at some things analytically and logically - which I otherwise have a difficult time doing.

At age 24, I'm still trying to figure out what makes up Caydin... I've come to the realization that I so often act as people have labeled me. It's hard to act any different than the labels people associate with you ::

"animated, loud, vivacious, spirited, intense and extreme. "

It's gotten to the point where if I'm not acting accordingly to what's written above, people think something is wrong with me or I am simply acting odd. They don't hold back from verbalizing it to me, either.

PEOPLE, this has only encouraged me to put on a mask. And while this mask is on you will never see the real deal.

I've been reflecting. While at the core, I am occasionally intense about things worthy of my intensity, and I am animated and spirited during appropriate moments, solely, I am altogether none of the above.

I have found it difficult to remove this mask because it is so appealing to the people around me. For the most part, people like the intensity I bring and the spirited approach I have in all circumstances. They enjoy this seemingly "deep" girl who likes to talk about intense things.

It wears me out, as I feel like I am constantly having to give people what they want and expect from me. ( which is another issue in itself )

I'm sorry - I'm getting sick of faking it.

I only do these things because they have be proven to make you happy.

I have more substance than what my mask portrays. I'm not as verbal as I have led you to think. I'd rather be mellow than bouncing off the walls. I'd much rather listen to you than hear my voice all night long.

Our conversation isn't deep to me because I have already had this conversation with John and Jane Doe. I find true deepness in the discerning conversations I have with few rather than the butt load of "deep" chats I can have with simply anyone. This only makes sense to those who know me.

I'm wondering how God will make sense of all of this- as He knows exactly how my mind operates and who I am behind the facade.

...Genuine or Just Another Counterfeit?

As I continue through this calloused and stretching season in my life, Im wondering what merit this season in my life will have once I have stepped out of it... aka - Why the heck am I even putting myself through all this?

When I am full of joy and adoration for Jesus, my life surely reflects just that. So, while I feel as if I have been emptied of all vigor and vitality - do I simply reflect a stale and inert person? I've got to that point where I am actually recognizing how apathetic I've become towards the things that once gave me a relentless spirited attitude...

It's a scary place to be when you are apathetic towards everything that matters. When I catch myself contending for things that are irrelevant and worthless - I cringe. I cringe, yet I do not change. That is freakin scary. What brought me into this season was simple :: My responses to circumstances have been to run away from the pain that brings healing and the seemingly overwhelming list of things that I need to surrender in my life. I do this by distracting myself with other "feel good" fixes. As long as I feel okay in the moment, I need not think about tomorrow.

While all of this is me being very transparent, I will also say that I surely have not lost the conviction that only the Holy Spirit brings and the undying truth that is deep within my heart. While my actions scream that Jesus cannot satisfy and my mindset sadly puts more value on my current emotions rather than what I know to be true and unwavering - Jesus is along side me in this. He is not condoning my actions, rather He is loving me all the more by allowing me to "act a fool". When I finally hit bottom and allow Him to, once again, bring restoration to my wounds, my love for Him will be proven genuine.

I'm granted the struggle, so that my faith can be validated as authentic.