Hello, Distraction. Let's Hang Out.

So, I've been allowing some pretty darn stupid things distract me lately.

Just to keep it real:: It's not like I didn't know what I was doing and I was unaware at how ridiculously silly they were. So, why did I still give in?

It gets my mind off of all the turmoil going on inside of me so I seemingly breathe a little easier. It gives me a brief time of disregard and ignorance to the things Caydin needs to let God fix.

This roller coaster I have been riding on has surely made me grow tired, weak and ... just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I understand that all of this is in some sort of way, mandatory. It is indeed bringing me to that place in which my character and life will be profoundly changed.

As I expand my knowledge and love for Jesus, I can't help but have a restless heart and a heart that is conflicted with the discrepancies between my lifestyle/mindset and the lifestyle/mindset Jesus desires for me. It's discouraging and light dimming, to be honest.

While I am convicted, and at times don't have the steadfastness to allow God to fix me, I find silly, little, insignificant reliefs. oh and yes, they are temporary.

Here is what I know though :: I've tasted and I have seen God pursue me. A love greater than life itself. He is worth it.

Spoken Word.

God Is Holy from ROCKHARBOR on Vimeo.

A perspective I never want to forget.

God is holy. He is set up and set apart. Set up and up and up and up. High up on the pedestal. High above the push and pull of this world. And higher still.

He is set apart from the very start. Because while some may deride Him, and some have denied Him, Not one can stand beside Him.

He is the one that is unlike anyone. He's not like you and me. And we cannot conceive the mystery of this that we believe because our God is holy. He is the one and He is the only.

and Heaven, highest Heaven; cannot contain Him. Cannot attain Him. Cannot explain Him. Cannot find the words, the nouns, the verbs to capture the rapture of one who resides and abides in the presence, in the very essence of our God.

And so angels sing and Heaven rings with constant strings of holy. And it cried in one accord inside for one adored for holy, holy, holy is the Lord

No other word will fit, no other word can get at it; all other words are in it. Because the only word that can quite hit at who He is; is Holy.

And when face to face we come to the place to see our God as holy. We will realize and recognize the brokenness in our lives. For in that light ,the light that is His, we will see sin for what it is. And like Isaiah, we will be undone and overcome and then our journey has begun. To turn our "woe is he" to "woe is me."

Because our God is holy.

- Nick Benoit

He Finally Gave me a Call.

I'm not sure how pristine this post is going to be; as I'm very tired, but I need to log a few things so that I may come back to them as mementos. I need to remember what I have been experiencing tonight.

Since last spring, I have been facing a situation that has my emotions endlessly wavering. One day, I feel His peace and His steadfastness, while the next I feel wrecked and the need to search out my own harmony for the situation. It's a harmony that doesn't exist apart from God.

I'm assured that God does not abandon His kids or any of the tragedies they get themselves into. He will not leave me defenseless; rather He will protect my name and sustain my cause. I have brought disgrace to my name, but He will recover it before all those who have foolishly scrutinized me.

His remedy is bigger than what I hope for and has so much more value than I could have ever thought. God does not waste any situation I hand over to Him.

Of all this, I am sure.

"Caydin"

Last nights service deeply impressed me. It instigated me to critically look at how situations in my life have wounded my heart, my mind, and my character.

I took some time to genuinely evaluate "Caydin". In all seriousness. Pride aside. Entitlement diminished. Surface gone.

Like many people who would follow Jesus to the top of Calvary to be crucified, I lack confidence in nearly everything I pursue when it comes to building His kingdom. It's twisted, I know. I'm not talking about a surface confidence that a woman can have from being seen as beautiful or having an amazing personality. I'm talking about a confidence that only comes from being in direct relation with Him.

Knowing that I do indeed cherish; whole heartedly the relationship my Father has given to me I wonder why I still feel cowardly and doubtful when going through the doors He opens for me. It's quite embarrassing, actually. Last night, I found myself asking what I was missing and why the unsurpassed confidence I should have in Him just wasn't clicking, mentally and emotionally.

I brought situations before the Lord begging Him to show me why I just couldn't act accordingly to the truth He had sparked in me. I often feel inadequate and undermanned while I " ...go and make disciples of all nations..." ( Matthew 28:19 )

I was reminded of the countless times I had lost sleep over hurtful words, being spat on, being lied to, being backstabbed, laughed at, being denied, not making the cut, and thinking that I was not worth anyones investment. Those times sucked all the assurance, certainty and stability out from my life.

God also brought to my mind the church I go to. All in all, God is evident and abundant at RockHarbor and I am so grateful to be a part of such a beautiful body of Christ. I look at my church though, which is in the middle of Orange County; ( which actually means that it's in the middle of a selfish, perfectionistic, independent, monetary valued, prideful, ego-tistical and greedy community of people...but that's another story for another time ) and I've seen first hand that we have by far the most talented, accomplished and capable people working for the church. God is good. Surely. YET, I find myself wondering if I'm even qualified to even attempt to get involved in certain ministries because I see this manifest of raw God given abilities that are so seemingly beyond my own. In that moment, I lose all confidence in building His kingdom.

So the remedy :: After God went through all these things along side me I was left thinking about all those things I already know in the core of my heart. My mind was in chaos wondering how I could put these amazing truths into action. And for once, I didn't come up with anything.

Here is what fell upon the ears of my Father though;

Lord, teach me how to obtain confidence in all I do. Not a surface confidence found in my appearance or personality but that unwavering confidence knowing that You are the Giver of life... the author of my life, and nothing I do is ever wasted. Show me, once again, who "Caydin" is because I'm second guessing myself at times. I find myself being cowardly and placing an inadequate sign over my head. I'm the only one who puts it there. I need clarity in who you have created in me. I want to see why I respond and act the way I do.

Straight up, I need healing in my life. Healing that only He can bring.