Just a Reminder to Self -

My life has been nothing short of a hurricane this last month.

The ONLY explaination and reason :

DAMN, it's painful to be constantly refined. I'm happy God is doing what He is doing though.
I am STILL learning about finances, relationships, my pride, where my trust lies and where my hearts desires truly point.

I am proud of myself, yet I know that I am so far from being the person I want to be. All I need to remember is that this is a process, Caydin. I'll get there and it will be worth every tear, struggle, and painful moment. Thank you Lord, for giving me such a strong will to endlessly pursue You in all I do.

I get excited thinking about what God has in store for me.

LOVE.

God asks us to LOVE. I'm just starting to see how important it is though ... seriously, without love, it is said, that WE ARE NOTHING. That is some strong verbiage.

"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge and I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I AM NOTHING. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. "

1 Corinthians 13:3


I can do noble things, I can do things that people admire ... but if I lack the wisdom of love and how I am called to love, I AM NOTHING. This has my attention and I see how LOVE IS ESSENTIAL.

How do I know what love is ? 1 Corinthians tells us.

If you find love ... it will be evident in the action.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, and is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.


Can I stick my name in the place of love ?
Caydin is patient.
Caydin is kind.
Caydin does not envy. . . . this is a biggie I need to work on.
etc etc etc...

I want to have an unceasing passion to want to be a illustration of love to EVERYONE.
I want my actions to scream out LOVE IS HERE and LOVE IS NOW.

Of all the fruits of the spirit that believers are striving to exemplify - above all these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13 " And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

It's crazy to me how in the biblical times there were many other words for love ... now a days we just use the one word to cover all the meanings of love. Hmm...

Love is worth looking into.

Venting.

There are many things I do not understand.
And that is okay.

BUT...is it okay that I fail to understand ME at times ?

I wonder why I act a certain way. I wonder why I say the things I say. I wonder why I react the way I did. I wonder, because the way that I act, at times, seems to have a negative outcome. If all was dandy, I'd be OK with my social decisions.

I have already gone through periods in my life in which I question whether or not God was in the " right " by giving me some outlandish qualities... I am not referring to this. I am bringing up the fact that I am upset that I cannot pinpoint the source of some of my reactions, comments, thoughts etc... What are they surfacing from ? I need to know so I can stop.

I have no boy skills. This is not a flaw. It is a work in progress. I do have boy skills when it comes to certain men. I find myself strongly, strongly pursued when I am dominantly stronger mentally, knowledge wise, and spiritually then the man pursuing me. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to those men. I have a certain woo about things when I am in that dominant position. I can't really pinpoint it, but I am drastically socially different around those guys. Now, on the other end, we have those men whom I talk with and I end up being the one who admires their mentality, knowledge, and walk with the Lord. I have a lot to learn from them. I adore what comes out of their mouths and the actions they practice go hand in hand. SEXY.

Here is the dilemma. As soon as I don't feel "dominant" with someone... I get...weird. I only get weird, if I am interested in them more then a friend. I have plenty of male friends whom I look up to as wise and strong men in the Lord, but that is as far as it goes.

So I have all these weird, crazy thoughts and reactions when I am in those situations and I don't understand where they come from. I don't know why I do them. I don't know why they have surfaced the way they have. It's driving me crazy. I meet a great man whom I admire, only to mess up greatly and watch things plummet- because of me.

Despite the crap above, I am happy. I like that I can give God my letdowns, hindrances and irritations... and know He already has a solution.

An Arm's Length Away

I like keeping my options open.

It's comforting to know that if something falls through I can have something to fall back on.

What does that actually say about my walk with God, though?

I have a hard time trusting Him.

" Hey God, I'm going to keep this " comfort food " at an arm’s length away until you come through with your promise...THEN I will let go entirely. - How enslaved are we really when we say stuff like that ?

God has been showing me that He doesn't work that way...and gosh darn it I wish He did. God is creator of the entire universe...He can make up the rules. It makes sense.

It's so difficult to let go of something that is already a guarantee in your life and reach for something that is not tangibly in front of you yet. . . especially when the thing you have already attained is satisfying enough . . . Caydin, what are you trying to say ? God shows us what a life lived for Him looks like. . . and to settle for a life that puts God in the mediocre category is not an option. Jesus is not interested in a lukewarm follower.

Caydin, I still don’t understand… is it weird that I am referring to myself like this ? YES. I will stop.

Marriage is something dear and treasured to God. I refuse to settle for a husband who does not share these views. ( easier said than done ) All this confusion and vague verbiage should make sense now. I am talking about the conviction I had about potentially getting married an amazing man – who did not share a passion for God with me. When I realized that God asks His followers to let go of everything . . . I was brokenhearted knowing that everything means relationships as well… seemingly great relationships… I cannot allow you to take this out of context though… I love love love my friends who don’t believe in the same things I do… In fact, I can’t get enough of them ! It is a different story though when you are potentially going to marry one of them…

It took many battles within my mind and several times running back to what I know to be comfortable, reliable and tangible before I saw how detrimental I was being to myself emotionally. I have tried to let go too many times to count… and this has led me to see that I am not just dealing with something that is deeper than giving up a guy I am emotionally attached to. I let go, wait for God to act..and when He doesn’t act quick enough I run back to what I find hope in…the relationship.

So, as of right now I have let go of the relationship. For good. It could really not be any more painful but a promise was made that says no tough circumstance can even compare to the glory God will reveal in my life. I am running full forward with that.