Venting.

There are many things I do not understand.
And that is okay.

BUT...is it okay that I fail to understand ME at times ?

I wonder why I act a certain way. I wonder why I say the things I say. I wonder why I react the way I did. I wonder, because the way that I act, at times, seems to have a negative outcome. If all was dandy, I'd be OK with my social decisions.

I have already gone through periods in my life in which I question whether or not God was in the " right " by giving me some outlandish qualities... I am not referring to this. I am bringing up the fact that I am upset that I cannot pinpoint the source of some of my reactions, comments, thoughts etc... What are they surfacing from ? I need to know so I can stop.

I have no boy skills. This is not a flaw. It is a work in progress. I do have boy skills when it comes to certain men. I find myself strongly, strongly pursued when I am dominantly stronger mentally, knowledge wise, and spiritually then the man pursuing me. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to those men. I have a certain woo about things when I am in that dominant position. I can't really pinpoint it, but I am drastically socially different around those guys. Now, on the other end, we have those men whom I talk with and I end up being the one who admires their mentality, knowledge, and walk with the Lord. I have a lot to learn from them. I adore what comes out of their mouths and the actions they practice go hand in hand. SEXY.

Here is the dilemma. As soon as I don't feel "dominant" with someone... I get...weird. I only get weird, if I am interested in them more then a friend. I have plenty of male friends whom I look up to as wise and strong men in the Lord, but that is as far as it goes.

So I have all these weird, crazy thoughts and reactions when I am in those situations and I don't understand where they come from. I don't know why I do them. I don't know why they have surfaced the way they have. It's driving me crazy. I meet a great man whom I admire, only to mess up greatly and watch things plummet- because of me.

Despite the crap above, I am happy. I like that I can give God my letdowns, hindrances and irritations... and know He already has a solution.

An Arm's Length Away

I like keeping my options open.

It's comforting to know that if something falls through I can have something to fall back on.

What does that actually say about my walk with God, though?

I have a hard time trusting Him.

" Hey God, I'm going to keep this " comfort food " at an arm’s length away until you come through with your promise...THEN I will let go entirely. - How enslaved are we really when we say stuff like that ?

God has been showing me that He doesn't work that way...and gosh darn it I wish He did. God is creator of the entire universe...He can make up the rules. It makes sense.

It's so difficult to let go of something that is already a guarantee in your life and reach for something that is not tangibly in front of you yet. . . especially when the thing you have already attained is satisfying enough . . . Caydin, what are you trying to say ? God shows us what a life lived for Him looks like. . . and to settle for a life that puts God in the mediocre category is not an option. Jesus is not interested in a lukewarm follower.

Caydin, I still don’t understand… is it weird that I am referring to myself like this ? YES. I will stop.

Marriage is something dear and treasured to God. I refuse to settle for a husband who does not share these views. ( easier said than done ) All this confusion and vague verbiage should make sense now. I am talking about the conviction I had about potentially getting married an amazing man – who did not share a passion for God with me. When I realized that God asks His followers to let go of everything . . . I was brokenhearted knowing that everything means relationships as well… seemingly great relationships… I cannot allow you to take this out of context though… I love love love my friends who don’t believe in the same things I do… In fact, I can’t get enough of them ! It is a different story though when you are potentially going to marry one of them…

It took many battles within my mind and several times running back to what I know to be comfortable, reliable and tangible before I saw how detrimental I was being to myself emotionally. I have tried to let go too many times to count… and this has led me to see that I am not just dealing with something that is deeper than giving up a guy I am emotionally attached to. I let go, wait for God to act..and when He doesn’t act quick enough I run back to what I find hope in…the relationship.

So, as of right now I have let go of the relationship. For good. It could really not be any more painful but a promise was made that says no tough circumstance can even compare to the glory God will reveal in my life. I am running full forward with that.

Music is a Mechanism for Merriment

I was looking through some old photo albums on my computer tonight. I came across an album that I had entirely forgotten it's existence.

This last summer I was tickled to have had come across such a vast array of people in Huntington Beach whom all had such a merry time simply banging on drums together. Some soul sista's took out their tambourines and voices. Some got their beats involved by using their shoes as mallets on empty plastic bins. Children were dancing and weaving in and out of the drummer lines. Twas a flawless day, glorious beach front, and a fantastic group of individuals.

I was lucky enough to have my camera on me.

The Lesson as of Late...

I always think I know a thing or two... and then God smacks me around and reminds me that I am nowhere near where I need to be, to be the woman He has created me to be. He shows me what needs to change and how to do it ... yet it all looks like nonsense. I continually look at the chalkboard full of deranged events ... I am so happy that with time and an unceasing fervor for truth the scribbles become clear and coherent with the life I have been given.

Every time He whips me into shape and throws up the slate of accountability, growth and construction I know that I'm in for a wild ride...but I also know that I will be that much closer to a real understanding and attainability to the lifestyle God has called me into just as soon as it's over. THAT gives me happiness. And that is why I am okay with God smacking me around a bit. I told God what I wanted and He's showing me what it's going to take.

God is in the middle of my business in every aspect of my life. Recently, He has been in the middle of training me relationship wise. He is showing me how imperative it truly is for Him to orchestrate the relationship I have with a man. A man; meaning my future hub. I never have been the type of girl to go chasing after the multitude of witless swine and I never have worried about anything pertaining to my future as a wife until lately. I don't know what happened.

To clarify, I am not worried about my future in any way but I have caught myself dabbling in things that really aren't me. I love that God has revealed so much truth about who He has made me as an individual while I have made those decisions to tinker around and get caught up with finding " him ". Before I move forward, I would like to exclaim that I, indeed, do not need a single soul in my life to validate who I am and how I feel about myself. Praise God for the glory He has already revealed in me !

At this very moment, this is what I know to be true about me in relevance to being a wifey.

I am a leader but cannot be with someone whom I mentor spiritually. ( equally yoked )

I have met dozens of great guys who have it all but they lack in just this. In my opinion, the wisdom you obtain from only the Lord and living life striving for Him screams to me and says how much of a man you are. You will not grab my attention "that way" if I seem to be the only one handing out discernment and solidity. There is a difference between the trite teaching everyone knows and talks about from Sunday school ( nevertheless important ) and the actual depth of understanding, awareness and substance that you can only obtain by fully immersing yourself in the Lord.

God has " blessed " me with a mind that is unbalanced at times. I'll admit it, I lack balance in some circumstances. When it comes to serving God I have an extreme outlook that is embedded in my thought process. I have learned to work with it though and I know when to turn it on and when to put a muzzle on it to simmer it down. It will never turn off though. I need someone who has the same " blessing ". Not when it comes to everyday familiar activities, but when it comes to their lifestyle in giving glory to God. Heaven forbid I be stuck with someone who has the same outlandish and extreme actions in routine activity. Heaven forbid.

Those are the two things that God has shown me that must be evident. I am amazed at the discernment God has given me in regards to reading people that come my way.

I have put on quite the show these last few months with all the lessons God has been teaching me. He has not only shown me what is essential in a future marriage for me, but He has had a lot of fun allowing me to learn about myself in the midst of this process. I know what I prefer, I know what won't work and I know what will, specifically for me. Praise God for the uniqueness He expresses in His creation.