Another Rendition of the Journey.

It's been a thought- provoking last few months ::

A glimpse ::

I feel like God has allowed me to enter certain places of pain, confusion, disobedience, discontentment, deception, hypocrisy, and utter ignorance, so I don't have a midlife crisis down the line. Seriously. God's bringing things to my attention so they can be taken care of.

Over the last half decade, I have tactfully developed little "ad ons" to my personality. Little things that seemingly make everyone happy and add a little spark to who I come across to be. It's so appealing for me to tack on these little surface traits because they get such a great response.

It's entirely kicked me in the butt.

When I find myself getting close with someone, I can't uphold the structure of this image I've created. In fact, I ignored the substance of my God given character for so long, that it's been difficult for me to get in tune with it again. Now, it's not that my entire character was fabricated and put together in my brain - no.

No - Rather this framework I've created for myself to emulate, distorts and hazes the real deal core of who I am.

When I am in a close relationship with someone, while I am genuine in my words and actions, I find it difficult to "act myself" in simple situations after a certain point because there is a constant tug of war game going on between the distinct temperament I've created for myself and the genuine traits from the Lord that are itchin to come out.

When I recognize this happening I either shut down entirely and get out of the situation or I do my best to fight the discrepancy, which has always left me looking like an eccentric overbearing person- as I over compensate for lack of clarity I actually have in who I am.

Sad, I know.

Good News ::

God is redeemer. God is restoration. God is healer. God is rebuilder. God is pursuer.

Why Don't People Get It?

:: American culture is deceptive in the fulfillment it brings. When recognition and public opinion drive your liveliness and encapsulate your "success" you will be left ineffective and fruitless.

:: Rather what you do in the unseen should feed your soul and empty you of your egotism.

I am seeing more and more every day that passes how messed up the dominant culture in America is. This "American Dream" to live free and pursue happiness is all garbage. I see people becoming enslaved to the pursuit of the " American Dream " - which is everything but freedom and bona fide happiness.

To live the "American Dream", people are on an endless pursuit of their American fed idea of success. It involves money, recognition, pride, appearance, and status. - which results in selfish, money hungry, discontent, unsatisfied people. People who will never obtain the reality of what "success" is. They, themselves are never enough and they are entirely ensnared into the methods of becoming " enough ".

Let This Serve as a Disclaimer.

I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm learning.

Everyone that becomes a Christian surely has that beginning stage of just being joyous, happy and peachy in all things. You hand your life over to Jesus, you are a new creation and your past is washed away ... it is indeed something worth the joy expressed. . .

but after some time everyone surely gets to a point where things aren't quite working out as planned. It's inevitable. You feel discontent in some ways, you feel in limbo- as if you aren't where you used to be but you're not quite somewhere else either... there is for sure something aching in your heart for a change...

I've seen people respond to this in different ways...

I've seen those who simply go back to the simplicity of when they first became Christians - "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so... " A head knowledge of God.

I don't think God wants us doing that, actually.

I think when we get to that point in which we feel discontent, we are not called to revert back to the surface wisdom of God ... the Sunday school God ...

I think we are called to pry deep into ourselves, no matter the pain and confusion, and allow God to be more than a head knowledge within our lives. This is simply the only way to a much deeper, connective and abundant relationship with God.

God wants ALL OF US. He wants us in our entirety. He wants it all, so He can redeem it all.

We all have deeper issues within ourselves that God doesn't want you to stuff in a box to set aside and ignore. He wants to pull out the freakin mess that's inside and rid you of it. - a process also known as surrender. Man, that word freaks me out sometimes.

It's soooooo easy, more peaceful and less painful and less burdensome to say you are just fine. I've been there and done that for a looooong time. I continued in my church commitments, my worship, my tithe, my joy, and my love ... it was dandy. Until God turned up the heat - and started boiling the blood flowing through my body.

After recognizing that God was stirring things up because He had plans to annihilate and revamp me, I didn't just automatically hop on board. I went back and forth. If my complete and utter surrender was just smooth sailing from the get go, I wouldn't have even had an issue for God to mend in the first place. Clearly, there is always something He desires to restore. Always. In that, I have been seeing how much of a PROCESS this transition is.

When I do hop on board with God's perfect will in redeeming my heart, my soul and my life, I am absolutely beat down to nothing. I'm asked to release situations in my life that aren't comfortable to release- because I'm still waiting for an outcome that will satisfy me- and as long as I have my fingers dug into it, I have some control.

I am slowly realizing that when I do this, I am standing in a pile of shit. My shit.

I'm finally fed up with the shit.

I'm proud of myself for getting through the past 8 months of my life ::

I doubted. I tried to still fix things my way. I asked God to come on board with my plans. I embarrassed myself. I acted a fool in front of people I love. I threw fists in the air. I cried and I cried. I drank. I pursued unhealthy relationships. I put on a mask. I indulged in temporary fixes. I lied. I twisted His truth. I was selfish. I fought for control. I kicked and screamed. I denied hope. I couldn't lift my voice to worship. I fucked it up, again. I chased people away from God. I beat myself up. I lost all substance. I lost everything I worked so hard to preserve, build up and maintain. I fucked it up, again.

I meant it when I said I was proud of myself . . . because here I am, typing this all out, not quite on the other side just yet, but remaining steadfast in my brokenness. I will not go back to a juvenile relationship with my God and my Father - because I will not only become closer to being the "Caydin" God created me to be but I will have an irrefutable, distinguished and intimate relationship with Jesus. Freakin worth it.

God is indeed continuing the work He initiated. I am thankful for it all.

I am learning. I am learning. I am learning.

I'm Not the Only One...

I'm holding on to Your hope that one day this could be made right.

Cuz Ive been ship wrecked and left for dead and l've seen the darkest sights.

Everyone I love seems like a stranger in the night.

But oh my heart still burns, it tells me to return and search the fading lights.

Until I find my love.

Trouble has been sent my way and wicked winds have blown.

Sirens call my name, they say they'll ease my pain. They break me on the stones.

But true love is the burden that will carry me back home.

Carry me with the memories of the beauty I have known.

By your light I move. I will press on.

So tie me to the mass of this old ship and point me home.

- Josh Garrels.

"Ulysses" - Josh Garrels 2010 from Josh Garrels on Vimeo.