Jesus.

What a pivotal night.

No words can define God's company with me as I experienced it this evening.

It all started earlier this week, when all of a sudden the content of my heart was no longer restless. My prayers hadn't changed, nor had any substantial circumstance occurred... It's not like I had all of a sudden done something right either. In a single moment, I realized I didn't feel how I had previous. So strange. I've just been Remaining. Sitting. Enduring. Waiting. In this wilderness that was ushered into my life over a year ago.

This wilderness gave me the opportunity to deal with the realities of ... me. It sucked the life out of me. I was an empty shell. The very essence of who I thought myself to be was extinguished. Sitting in that emptiness brought me to a place of utter helplessness. Deep sorrow. Deep questioning. Deep purging. And ultimately deeper growth and deeper holistic understanding of life.

I went to a coffee shop around 5pm tonight. Ordered my favorite Chai Latte and sat down. Brought my Bible, journal and a book I'm reading. It was open mic night. Loud. But I easily can separate myself from my surroundings. It's a great thing. I started reading a few chapters in the book of Mark. As I started reading, I could not hold back tears. As I continued reading, I felt like God was actually reading passages to me. My emotions coincided with whatever Jesus was feeling during the scriptures. The story so simply unfolded before me. I felt like a child being told a story while sitting at the feet of her Father.

My heart leaped out of my chest as Jesus put His fingers in a deaf mans ear and shouted to the heavens, "Be opened! ". My heart was hurting when I saw the detriment of the demon possessed boy. " Whenever it seizes him it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth and gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him." My eyes were as a fountain, when the demon possessed boys father exclaimed to Jesus, " I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief! " And my heart was in worship when the evil spirit in the possessed boy shrieked, convulsed the boy violently then left at the command of Jesus. My entire body was overwhelmed as Jesus took the boy by the hand and lifted him up to his feet.

That's my King. That's my Saviour. That's my Daddy. That's my Healer. That's my Reason.

Jesus, the capacity of my mind cannot fathom you.

Lastly, as Jesus continued to reveal Himself to me, I knew He was proud of me. For this season's ish. For my continuous cycle of awareness and purging. He gave me a glimpse of how my decisions and actions are indeed shaping who I am. He is proud of me.

I've Hit the Jackpot!

I'm in this process of being exposed. A process that has extended itself for over a year. Being exposed for what I truly am. I've been stripped of the utter lie that says I am capable of saving myself. I have found that it is the only way radical, holistic spiritual transformation is ushered in. I see my life as a prize, that God would allow such discomfort and displeasure enter my life. That my heart would remain uninhabited for so long. My mind a wasteland. And my life, seemingly in the boondocks, middle of nowhere. All of which leading to a deep purge of self and a greater conformity to Him.

I've hit the freakin' jackpot.

This season is the jackpot. It's strange to truly feel that way while nothing seems reasonable in my life for the last year. I am a shell of who God initially created. I am wholly lost, emptied and barren. In turn, God has brought revelation and awareness to my mind about His identity. The King of all kings, who completely, totally, unconditionally, and absolutely gave of Himself for the sake of others. Phil 2:6-11. This is how the Holy Spirit is guiding me towards wholeness.

Purging. Revelation. Conformity. Purging. Revelation. Conformity. Purging. Revelation. Conformity. Perpetually.

The purging is a process. Just because you are willing doesn't mean you have the eyes to see the reality of your heart at first. There is so much ish to weed through before you are capable of having a perspective that can wisely respond to the damage. God is the initiator, and He will initiate, follow through and redeem. Just continue in surrender.

This season of revamping my core, is seemingly endless. It's leaving me unearthed at the roots. I've let go of all sense of direction, dreams, and control. I'm not anticipating much. I'm not planning my next mission trip. I'm not being socially outrageous, as I was previous. All familiarity is being eradicated. It's odd. It's strange. But it's necessary. God has placed so much value on the integrity of our character. I'm seeing how deliberate God is in making it pliable in His hands, and prioritizing it over our endeavors to give Him glory. Even though being conformed to His image surely brings Him glory.

I hear God saying, " So, you want to do it my way? Slow down, and let me weave into you my truth, so that you will never be shaken. Allow me to carefully unveil your eyes, and painstakingly uncover your ears, fully burn away the artificial, - then you may be wholly capable of responding to a truer perspective of the world as I see it "

In no way am I discrediting the power of God revealed through and in peoples lives who don't take the time to just sit with God for a season. I also understand that as you take action in His kingdom, no matter your hearts content, He shows up. He reveals. He brings knowledge and understanding. So please don't play that card.

I'm seeing how sin has tainted my will, my understandings, my behavior, my affections, my human relationships, my mind, and emotions - leaving nothing untouched by sin. Sin has infiltrated my heart. I am left totally depraved and unable to fix anything. I have wholly fallen, and wholly need His redemption.

:: My prayer is that we may be wise enough to stand before Him, exposed and as we truly are, all the days of our lives. May we never avoid or hide from His convictions nor His justice and may we trust the provision of a loving Creator.

Upholding.

I've been thinking about the ways in which God upholds His creation. His people. His kids. Me. You. The ways in which our creator unceasingly brings sustenance and renewal of this earth. His ways are unbroken and I'm grateful in a new way.

His work involved calling all physical-material and spiritual things, into existence out of non-existence. That's nuts. We create things everyday. We create new things. . . actually we don't create new things, rather we rearrange existing materials. How can we even fathom the activity of God bringing both space and the concept of time into reality?

So... Knowing that God created the universe from nothing - every moment is banking, resting, dependent on His words. The power of His word. The reality of His power that you cannot rationalize. We are dangling over this canyon of non-existence - only being held up by His Word.

He upholds His Word. Interesting.

Hebrews 1:3

The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.

Can you imagine if God were to withdraw His Word? Everything would retract to nothingness. I see now that every moment of existence is only by the grace of God and as we continue from instant to instant it's just as profound as when He initially spoke our existence.

In this profound awareness, not only are we literally relying on God for our everyday and our very being, but I'm recognizing that although we are created in His image, we were not made out of God Himself. The world, and all of creation is distinct and set apart from God.

Obviously, that is why He is full of unfathomable mysteries, and our inherent world cannot do much justice when searching God out. The only knowledge we have of God is that knowledge in which He gifts to us. He opens our eyes, and our ears.

Colossians 1:17

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

Acts 17:25

And He is not served by human hands, as if He needed anything, because He Himself gives all men life and breathe and everything else.

No Strings Attached.

This is most likely going to be a reflection of a previous post I wrote in regards to men stepping it up in the church. The following is just a holistic view of church people as I have come to encounter. I have questions, frustrations and thoughts tossing back and forth in my mind. Not questions that make me doubt the providence of our God nor the fact that Gods hands are in operation throughout all of our circumstances as they are directed to His appointed end. That is truth that will not be swayed in my life. So, with that said I'd like to present, simply, some thoughts... no strings attached.

God's invited us onto this journey with Him. A journey that transforms us. A journey that brings pain, discomfort, awareness, beauty, depth, character, wisdom, ...freedom. And it's actually a journey that you can take a vacation from at any moment. This journey is solely our decision to remain steadfast in. For with much wisdom, comes much sorrow. ( Ecc. 1:18 ) The greater percentage of people in the church aren't down with the sorrow. Nor are they down with the steadfast part. Until they are down, they cannot be pliable pieces of clay in the hands of the Creator.

Gods been opening my eyes in seeing the discrepancy in a lot of romantic relationships between "church people". Simply, most of them are not equally yoked. I've met some amazing and truly godly men, who are with gorgeous women... these woman have yet to be single for just one season of their lives. I don't want to sound rash, but is it fair to say that if you have never had a simple year of singleness - there is a reality of your heart that you have yet to see? Yet, on the other hand, I don't want to sound judgmental, nor discredit that God is in operation in all circumstances and He is the one who reveals the realities of our hearts, however and whenever He chooses. It just so happens that our own will and human tendencies put us in the path of the bullet.

While the rarest of women are remaining steadfast in allowing God to stir up their hearts and shape their character painfully, the majority of women are utterly content in themselves, only because of the godly man that chose them. Does that make sense? This makes me so frustrated. It makes me wonder sometimes how easy it would be for us to start dressing and looking like most women, while taking a vacation from the purging and find contentment in a godly man.

As a godly man, don't you want a woman who is far beyond her flawless figure and her crazy talents? Yes? Well then please start acting like it and stop dating the women solely known for their foolishly good looks and formless-ness. Don't deny.

As I bring this frustration to God, I am asking for Him to reveal why this bothers me so much. It's discouraging wondering why so many godly men are dating girls who haven't been through the freakin fire. I'd like to think that they are in search of a Proverbs 31 woman...

My prayer is that the men in the church who have a yearning and hunger for Gods mysteries and wisdom would not settle for just a formless woman, who is easy on the eyes, but rather allow God to showcase His perpetually glorious work in the woman He brings their way, before the hunting even begins. If men could do this, I bet an abundance of women would jump back on board with the purging, the awareness, the revelation, the refinement, the healing and the freedom God desires for them.

My prayer for us women is that we fight to stay on this journey and we fight our tendencies to run away from the fire.

Lastly, I'm in no way blaming men for anything. :)

Confrontation.

Our culture often labels confrontation as a misappropriation of anger and pride.

When most think of confrontation between people, they think of the yelling, amongst degrading words. I even asked my little sister what came to mind when she thought of confrontation -her response was, "arguing, and biting" ... ha. A spiritual bite sounds just as painful as the tangible kind. Thanks sister :)

I'd like to propose something different.

Confrontation between people :: the act of addressing an issue in utter humility in hopes of seeing spiritual growth for both parties

I wonder why so many people avoid confrontation, especially among fellow disciples. I don't recall ever hearing a sermon on confrontation within the church. Hmm.

I understand the hinderances in having a tough conversation in humility with someone who drives you nuts. Or someone who has hurt you. Or someone you know you have hurt. I understand why it's rather enjoyable to privately discuss the rash decisions other people make. I know all too well how easy it is to referee another persons spiritual walk and how normal it is discuss it with other people "because you care". Stop. it.

When brothers and sisters in Christ cannot selflessly approach one another, the issue will manifest itself in other ways affecting the very essence of the community.

In it's "purest form" confrontation between God's people is mandatory, healthy and an extraordinary opportunity for growth on an individual basis and a communal basis.

It's one way we can encounter a holistic spiritual season of growth. Which is the kind of spiritual growth we are all called to strive for. We are being conformed to His image for the sake of others.

I would like to encourage you all to understand a truer perspective of your spiritual journey towards wholeness. For the sake of others. Confrontation among your brothers and sisters in Christ is an amazing opportunity to encounter the redeeming power of God.