Monies.

As many of my close friends know, I am here in Minnesota working my bum off to get out of debt. I've been learning much while traveling on this busy road...

I've thought for the longest time that my financial life was just doomed. I've been in countless situations in which I have failed miserably with my finances. I've been given opportunity after opportunity to get out of debt while my other bills were being paid for and I still did not hop on board.

So, now the time has come in which I pay for everything ... and yet i still have my credit card to be paid off. I'm actually seeing for the first time how being in debt can hinder so much in your life. I had no reason to be in debt in the first place either which is such a shame.

I'm surely doing it though. I'm halfway out of debt and still going strong. I've had no choice but to learn how to balance my budget. God is showing me much favor in this because I see His fingerprints all over new thoughts and the new mindset I have towards where and how my money is being used.

Mike Erre once asked all of us to look at our bank accounts... and look at where our money was being spent. It is indeed a direct reflection of where our hearts are at. I look at where most of my money is going now... and it is indeed exactly where God wants it to go. God doesn't want this debt hanging over my head as I finish my last year of college. He wants me to be financially free. I am well on my way.

On a deeper note, I have felt Gods hands shaping my heart while going through this time of financial learning. I don't need much. Nearly everything I have isn't anything I actually need. Holy crap.

Proverbs 23:4

"Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint. Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone. They will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle. "

Matthew 6:19

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. "

I am Not Immune.

I want to live free.

I want to let go and let God.

I want to hide behind nothing.

I want more of Him less of me.

I want to find joy in hard times.

I want to just not care about vanity.

I want my pride to be stripped away.

I don’t want THAT car. I don’t need THOSE shoes. I don’t need to be seen THERE. I don’t need to look like THAT.

As much as my heart truly desires to scream that from the top of my lungs, I have a confession :: Honestly, I’m just not that strong. ( yet )

Even though I seek God in all I do, and even though He is evident in my daily life, does not mean I am immune to everything this world has against me. I’m broken.

I’m not exempt from getting into situations that leave me with scars.

The beauty of this all is the fact that when I’m left with nothing to hold on to, there is Jesus; ready to guide me in His way. And, indeed, when I am weak, my God is strong.

Seeking God continuously throughout seemingly unchanging circumstances is worth it. While you unceasingly pray as He has called all His people, He is perfectly orchestrating everything you go through to lead you closer to Him.

Turn That Switch Off.

Without a hint of laughter, I regret saying that I am a victim of Polymorphis Light Eruption. Holy moly. Yesterday my skin reacted to the sun differently than it ever has and I was told that I had sun poisoning on my face. I was advised to take the weekend off and take the medication prescribed. So far, this weekend has been surprisingly enjoyable. Today, I went hiking in long basketball shorts, a long sleeve shirt, big hat, big shades and a blue zinc oxide nose. I found happiness in every moment.

No one would have recognized me unless they wanted to strike up conversation. My floppy hat didn’t match the shorts, nor did my sunglasses actually fit my face, and my long sleeved shirt surely did my figure no justice.

( Side note :: I liked this feeling of being unrecognizable. Not only that, but the harmonies of my outfit surely would elude people to think I had no shame. Which is what we want people to think, right? Hmm. )

So I’m pacing along, combating the heat by just letting my body do it’s thing in the dripping sweat, and I finally reach my destination. This trail literally spits you out onto an amazing strip of beach that is still engulfed with the spectacular array of forest right along the Minnesota River.

I sat there under a tree on a desolate beach with blisters all over my face and neck that were set on fire from all the sweat pouring out of every gland on my body. My face felt like chili pepper was being rubbed all over it and my eyes were continuously watering because they were burning.

I was indistinguishable.

In that moment, I was able to turn off all of the things that I have created in my life that make “ Caydin”, Caydin. I didn’t have a pretty face, nor was anyone about to compliment me on my cute outfit. I wasn’t around anyone to strike up a conversation with and woo them with my social skills. No one was within distance to make laugh or smile.

Yet…

Jesus recognized me and called my name.

Let me tell you something, there is a different kind of raw, internal freedom that comes with losing your name, your title, your worldly worth and allowing the creator of your soul identify you. The moment you are hit with this absolute truth you undeniably cannot help but respond to the freedom it gives you.

I indeed know the one and only living God whom has saved my soul and because I know Him I will take delight in being His disciple.

"Accept Jesus, by following Him." - a dear friend, Eric Scofield

Treasure; Hidden in a Field.

I get it.

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man finds it he sells all he has to buy the field.

I’ve heard this parable so many times. Matthew 13:44. It’s been resonating in my heart though for the last few months. I freakin get it.

I see what the kingdom of heaven is. I see the truth in His promises and how radical my Father’s love is for all of His creation. The reality that Yahweh exists and the fact that Jesus humbly walked this earth as a human, was blameless and pure yet he was crucified, the fact that He alone spread out the heavens and He alone extended His hands to form the earth. I get that I breathe my every breath because He allows it. I comprehend that He breathed life into my lifeless body and called me His.

“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.’” So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.” Romans 14:11

“ No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him. “ 1 Corinthians 2:9

“ Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.” Romans 5:18

“ Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.” John 21:25

Gods Word is certain.

How could I not sell all that I have, all that is within me after knowing this?

My Only Remedy.

Minnesota. Whenever I am here I am broken down and reduced to literally nothing … Here is what always happens though … ALWAYS…

1Peter 5:10 “ And the God of all grace, who called you into eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. “

A restored, strengthened, and grounded woman I stand.

Oh man, so a few months ago I had no choice but to move back to Minnesota for the summer due to financial reasons. Prior to me moving here, my heavenly Father had a nearly despondent conversation with me. It’s like He knew that the moment I became the most vulnerable, is when I would have to deal with the consequences of all the decisions I was making up to that point and also when the solidity in my relationship with the Lord would be tested and put in check.

Moving to Minnesota was disgusting. While driving to the Midwest, I stopped and visited my boyfriend at the time. I’ve never been sitting face to face with someone and in that very moment realized that I am so uncomfortable that I literally could not say a word. My form of communication was only nervous facial expressions and tears. What a moment to cringe upon. What a relationship divinely orchestrated by my Father turned into a sinful circus. What a relationship our Father cringed upon. The remaining drive “home” consisted of a lot of David Crowder jamming and on my knees crying ( literally and figuratively ) out to Jesus.

Within the first few weeks of me being in this barren land, I am dumped. Relationships send you to cloud 9 at times and then at other times they send you plummeting to your seemingly doom. Being crushed, I do what I know helps long term, cling to my Father. This time was odd though because the deeper I dove in relationship with Him, the worse I felt. It’s like He was purging me of the idolatry I exhibited on the relationship I was in. I put more value in that earthly relationship than the only relationship that saves my soul. That was exposed and made clear in my response to being dumped. I could write a book called, “ All the things a woman should not do after being dumped. “

Recently, God has been pouring out His wisdom on me through His Word and through my dear friends. Sin isn’t stagnant. It spreads, stains, and soaks into every little crevasse when you casually dip your feet into it. So, don’t be fooled with your casual plunge. What was put together for God’s purpose was broken and corrupted by sin. Here is what I am reminded of :: Caydin, my dear child, stop trying to fix things. Let it go so that I may be given room to work. Stop trying to orchestrate things, Caydin. Don’t you want glory to be given to me when things are made glorious? Stop running to all those things that give you a temporary illusion of being fixed. You know all too well, that I, your heavenly Father, am your only remedy.

I learn the most when I am reduced to seemingly nothing. When I am hopeless and have grasped onto everything besides the unchanging hand of my Father; when I feel furthest away from God is when the Holy Spirit stops me in my tracks and reminds me that I am called to greater things than these.